01:38 GMT

I have had such a high anxiety level all day today. Not only did I need to get some last-minute code done for a demo today, but I've been thinking all day about tomorrow.

Tomorrow I am going to ask Kawana to go on a date with me to the company christmas party. I've never asked a girl out before. I've been asked by girls, but I've never been the person to do the asking. I'm all tense even know. It's nice to know that this should all be over by this time tomorrow, but I said that about the elections last Monday.

People at work have encouraged me, and are telling me that she'll almost certianly accept, but for some reason it really has me all wound up. I can't explain why logical reason doesn't prevail in my mind today. It's sort of like an irrational fear which can't just be "thought away". I think I'll go take some Kava Kava now.

I keep thinking of what words to use, should I prepare them in advance, should I bring the party invitation; should I ask right after I arrive, or right before I leave? I don't even know much about the party; my invitation says "details to come". What if I'm a total mumbling, stuttering, stumbling idiot when I'm confronted to ask?

Calm down.

It's not a big deal. If she isn't interested, everything will be OK. If she is, then well, uh-oh: here comes more anxiety :) If she does decide to come with me, then I'll need to get a lot of stuff ready. Geez, you'd think I was proposing to her the way I'm acting. I need a good smack across the face. Maybe I'll get it tomorrow :)

Ok. I feel better now.

It's not too late yet, I think I'll go to the gym and walk a bit.

04:17 GMT

I went to the Gym, walked for about 25 minutes @ 3mph, which seems to have burned about 200 calories. I then went to the grocery store, finally - it's been about 3 weeks since I've been there. Either I'm highly susceptible to placebo effects, or this kava kava stuff is working. My anxiety is at it's lowest so far today, despite the approaching event.

I've got an actual schedule of things to do tomorrow. It should go something like this:

  • 9:00 wake up
  • 10:00 orientation at gym
  • 11:00 get to work
  • 11:30 head out to "lunch"
  • 12-3:00 ask Kawana out to christmas party
  • 3-4:00 get back to work
  • 4:00- review the preceeding events

I think while I'm in a good mood, I'll write a letter to myself in case I'm turned down:

Ok, so she wasn't really interested. Perhaps she has other things going on in her life that you don't know about. Besides, it may just be too strange of a situation for her to get involved with people she meets at work. You have some great friends who really seem to care about you, so let them know how you feel, and I'm sure they'll help you feel better. You're now dedicated to improving your health and self-esteem, keep it up, because the next time you ask someone, it will be much easier. Hang in there.

Hmm.. I hope I don't have to read that tomorrow :)