It's been a while. But I'm back.
I had a journal going on my website for a while, so I stopped writing here. Things got good; things got bad. I finally got into what I thought would be a long term relationship, so I stopped writing in my journal. That relationship ended in January. Since then, things have been very slowly getting worse. Sometimes things improve for a little while, but overall, it seems to be downhill.
I'm now on four medications. I'm taking Paxil for OCD/Social Anxiety, Toprol for high blood pressure, Tricor for high triglycerides (>1000mg/dL), and Provigil to keep me from falling asleep at work.
I've been lonely. I've got a couple of personal ads on the web. Some have no responses, others have a few dozen responses. Most of the people who respond start out well enough, but then our email exchanges slow and then finally stop. I have yet to meet anyone in my area online, who I could at least meet in person.
I miss the feeling that I had in my last relationship when I thought I was loved. I miss that feeling more than anything. I thought that I was #1 to at least one person out of the 6 billion people on this infinitesimally small sphere in a rural corner of a mediocre galaxy that sits alone in an enormous void of space.
I guess our galaxy isn't much unlike me. Sure there are others nearby, but none come close enough to have a significant effect on me.
I don't want to be a 30 year old virgin. I want to have kids well before I'm over the hill. I want to find that source of inspiration that will let me unleash my energy and creativity, while serving all of her desires. But I can see it already. I'm 26 years old now, and I just don't connect with most people, no matter how hard I try.
I've been starting to do some unhealthy things to my body. One time I ran out of Paxil and scratched my arm all up in my depression. It's healed over now, but there are some traces of the scars. I've put myself on a 700-calorie per day diet, which I've been on for two weeks and I've lost about 15 pounds already. I know that's unhealthy, but I really don't care at this point. Though I don't look overweight, I always assume that's what turns women off about me before I even open my mouth and stick my foot in it.
More recently, I've been spending too much time considering what kind of drugs aren't as bad as the others. I've already tried a couple of things that have questionable legality, but I am not satisfied. I don't get that feeling. Yet. When I tell myself that "yet", it scares me. I'm afraid of what I might do to myself if I go down that path. Other than my lonliness, I've got a pretty decent life right now. I make decent money, I live in a nice apartment in South Florida, my roomates are great people, and I've got most of the gadgets that I've always wanted. However, I'd give it all up in a moment for that warm-blanket feeling of significance.
Tonight I have insomnia again, so I thought I'd come back here to e2 to share my thoughts. I remember the comfort I had the last time I was here. Sharing my personal thoughts with people who don't know me helped me a lot then, maybe it'll help again.
Thank you for reading.