There is something worse than being single during the Valentine's Season: being with someone you can't stand the sight of anymore. In my experience, however, breaking up with someone during the month of the tissue cupids is good for a trip the hospital, or at least some very bad social karma should anyone you know find out.

"He broke up with you just two weeks before Valentine's? That bastard, I'm going to make sure every woman in the city knows. He'll never get laid again in this town again."

I shudder just thinking of it. I figured out mid-January that I didn't love you any more. By the last week of January, the thought of kissing you was making my hair stand on end. I wish I could have worked up the nerve to tell we were through before the beginning of February. God, if I had stopped couple shots of tequila sooner I think would have been coherent enough to tell you. Well, at least I might have had a chance at it. Instead, you bet me I couldn't out drink you. You won, I guess, because I woke up in your bed, both of us mostly naked, with your head on my shoulder. You've heard the term coyote ugly? At that moment I thought about chewing both my arms off just to make sure that never happened again. Too bad February had officially started - there was nothing for me to do but lump it until March.

So, here we are. Valentines day has arrived at last - I'm over the hump, I'm half way home. I bought you roses, chocolate, and candles. I even made you dinner. I can't let you suspect the truth. More wine? Yes, I think we could both use another glass, I'll open another bottle. I'm going to need it if I'm going to touch you later. We'll snuggle up and watch Pretty Woman, and I'll just keep thinking of Julia Roberts as I caress your shoulder and we eventually head to bed.

Even with Julia's help I don't know if I can see that through. I just have to keep reminding myself, after this it's all down hill. I just need to wait out another two weeks to make it out of February - anything under two weeks after "V-Day" would be as bad as the two weeks before, because everyone would know it was planned before the day of romance. Once we make it into march, I'll be safe at last. I'll sit you down, some place private and quiet and we'll just have a little talk. After that, at long last, I'll be a free man again.

What's the matter, darling? Didn't I cook the steak the way you like it? This is your favorite CD, isn't it? You're shivering a bit, should I turn up the thermostat? ... What? You have something you have to tell me? You're sorry to do this on Valentines day, but you just can't go on like this?

... Wait a minute. You're dumping me?!?

You heartless bitch.