I started today at 6 am
sobbing. I ended it laughing.
I was Kevin Spacey in American Beauty. I was Holden Caulfield. I didn't show up for the group presentation. Mike used his size and his specialized knowledge to intimidate me and it almost worked. It is just a little group presentation, but he tried to make me feel so small by berating me in front of everyone. Fortunately for me, I am a kind of mark kamikaze. How will 5% of a final mark in one course effect my entire GPA? Not much. Mike cares desperately about marks and he needed me. Fuck him for being like that. I am not lazy. I am actively rebelling.
Although I am fine now, I wanted to split myself in half all morning. I went to the hardware store and did some retail therapy. I got some christmas lights, and lined two of my walls with them. It felt great hammering away, imagining each nail was a body part of Mike or D.
Another good thing happened today. I got to tell the Professor that hurt Ben that I thought University was almost a complete waste of time. He had no counter-argument. When he changed the subject, it came out interesting. He saw that I was reading a Tom Robbins book and started talking about Even Cowgirls Get the Blues. It was a little awkward. Both of the professors had to tear themselves away from talking to me! I kept saying 'I gotta go, I gotta go' but they always had something else to say!
D is still not speaking to me. What am I supposed to say? I would do anything to break the tension, but me saying something won't be effective. When he's ready, he'll bring it up or continue on like nothing ever happened. Either one is fine at this point. The damage has already been done.
Today all came together, like it was a script from a movie. The message was persistance. Not persisting in something that you don't care about (the Mike presentation thing) but persisting in your beliefs.