I – Rest and Ritual are Overrated
Last week our MBA class had a one-week session at the school where we all stayed in a stone building attached to a classroom. The students would stumble into class after staying up all night reading or working on assignments. It was a tough schedule – usually 9 hours a day of lectures. In the end most of us would just sneak off during the 15-minute breaks to our rooms to catch a little nap.
On Tuesday, I had one of the most intellectually overwhelming days of my life. On Wednesday, the man I have been secretly sleeping with was at the front teaching. He is a good professor – well spoken, profound, kind-hearted - a winner. He is tall with these beautiful, active green eyes and a soothing voice. I spent most of the class folded in two – afraid that I would be sick with the mixed emotions. He was perfectly fine but spent no time looking into my eyes while he presented to everyone else.
Late that night, I said goodnight to my friend after we finished reading in the comfortable couches, brushed my teeth and sneaked up the stairs to the professor’s room. He left the door open just a crack for me so it would not lock. I went in and he looked at me hungrily right before we started. He put a pillow in my mouth to muffle the moaning sound. We were together like this for three intense, sweet, happy, nights. I came to class wrecked and tired but I was alert, creative and completed almost all of my readings. He looked tired too – but happy. Rest and ritual are overrated.
On Friday, I picked up my “A” paper and we finished one of the most exciting weeks of my life. At home, I missed my new friends from class already but a bunch of us had a fun club-night in Toronto. The professor came to town on Sunday as well for business. We had an amazing breakfast together at our special restaurant. He asked me to close my eyes and placed an art book in my hand. It was so sweet. It was fun to joke around and be friends – not everything limited to physical and intellectual things. Then we wandered to the bookstore and after saw a movie. I can’t remember the last time I felt so happy.
II – The Modern Slut
On Monday, it was back to reality and routine. I commuted past graffiti on the barriers to highway that said “This is Life?” on the way to my dreary office job. My boss commanded me to do some things in an off-hand manner. I escaped the rut to call the professor – we talked in hushed tones for hours. I felt so happy at first. But… suddenly it all turned around. He said some things that reminded me of what was really going on... They woke me up... Fuck…
His marriage may be comfortable and lonely but… he won’t act to change it. He gets angry at the University administration at times but… he won’t ruin his professional image by dating a student. And… he really really likes the sex.
I came to predictable mistress conclusion – this married man regarded me as a nothing more than a distraction. A recreational woman. I thought we were too smart for the rules. It felt so genuine and true – our minds and our hearts were engaged, not just our bodies. But… it was just the modern-intellectual version of “marry a good girl and have a slut on the side.” The modern mistress can converse thoroughly about economics and art. The modern slut is not just about wild sex - she is also a funny and sympathetic friend.
III – This is Life?
Today I was in a fog. My boss got mad at me for looking at her like she was “so stupid!” She turned red and told me to stop it immediately. I do think she is stupid at times but not as stupid as I am. I believed I could cheat the rules because I thought so much of him and it felt so genuine to me… but it meant little to him.
“Man Uses Woman for Sex”. So common that it is not worthy of a headline… but I could not see it. Tonight, I commuted past the “This is Life?” graffiti on the way home and looked at the cars and highway to answer the question – bland, fast-moving, repetitive, full of strangers – but at least going somewhere… and it is real. So… maybe this is it… not an inspired world as it has felt for the past week… but maybe that is just fine.