The
actress is returning soon and I will lose this beautiful, peaceful sublet by the
park. I’ll miss the bright room with six windows and sunlight glinting through big trees. I’ll miss some of the sexy nights I have had in this room on this warm springy bed. But, it is the actress’s place – I am taking care of it while she has a NYC adventure. Her life has turned back here to Toronto. I have taken care of her stuff and kept her plants going but soon it will be time to say
goodbye.
I found the apartment unexpectedly – desperate to get away from my old domineering roommate and without time to look properly, I posted the call for apts on Craig’s List - the actress responded. Lately I have been finding all kinds of unexpected little prizes – like finding money among the dirty snow while it is melting in spring. One is the professor who I had the affair with… he still helps me and is kind to me on the phone even though we may never really be together. Also, there is a guy I met through the internet who I have been e-mailing with for 3 weeks. He finally asked to meet me – but it has been tough with my schedule. I have cancelled 3 times on him – for our first date. He says it’s fine, and he respects that I take my priorities seriously… it is nice.
Then, coming back from my family reunion there was this guy on the plane who kept on asking me questions – just as I was ready to take a nap - “where are you from?” “what do you do?” He was cute, well-traveled and seemed to have it together. He was even impressed by my job – which is prestigious within my industry but absolutely nowhere else. We talked from the heart for 3 hours – as only strangers can. It will probably go nowhere but it felt so good to feel involved and engaged – with nothing compromised. It was not perfect but it was money in the snow.
Today, I went to a MBA team meeting at one of my group member’s offices in a tower downtown overlooking the city. The eight of us sat in the boardroom and discussed – with all of us sneaking peeks out the window at the passing boats and the sun’s reflection glowing on the lake. The group all thanked me for a project I worked on – it felt so good. After I went and bought a black suit at the mall for my interview on Monday.
Saul Bellow the author of Herzog, keeps talking about “potato love”. He defines this as the sentimental love of your family and old friends. He seems to mock it and discourage it, asserting that it is better to have love for your fellow man – that is separate from friends or family. He thought of this as a more dignified love. Perhaps this is what I am experiencing, with the money I am finding in the melting snow. These people are kind, but kind strangers – not close enough for “potato love”.
On the other hand, after listening to one lecturer’s take on Bellow – I wonder if he is being genuine. Apparently Bellow, who lost his mother when he was a teenager, was always looking for someone who would love him as much as she did. Bellow did not deny this. A biographer wrote about it and Bellow authorized. Even though he had other relationships, they were absent of that idealized love. Apparently he cheated on his first three wives frequently. Maybe I have the same problem – with my lost dad and with it impossible to find a person that loves me as much as he did – with no compromises. My sister says that I keep becoming attracted to unavailable people (long-distance, in other relationships etc.) because I am afraid to truely get close. I don’t know if that is true. I hope not.