We are being spoiled by the
Internet and it's
communication vehicles. They all allow us a ten-second
window that you can use to
compose yourself, be someone else, or even perfectly phrase your next move. Life on the Net is a game of
Chess: everyone takes their turn, and everything can be
calculated. I've always tried to predict life ahead, and be ready and armed for it. To the point of obsession I thought over this, no end... going so far as to start talking to myself
conversations I would have. My efforts
provided nothing more than a keen insight into the
human mind and
social relations. As it turns out,
life in the heat of the moment is
fast, cruel, and damning: you're actions are yours to keep for all time.
Like fog over a
morning field, these moments
linger in your mind. So close to reality in that you can't help but look back down that other
path, yet so far in remorse it pains you to
see. There are times where the future would have been noticeably different had you had taken the other way, said that other thing, or made your move just then; except you did not see one at the
time. Your actions were pure, and your choices were you. It's hard not to be a natural being in some senses, even if we try to fabricate our responses.
Experience, future
self-confidence, all of it helps you to see that other
path, two years too late.
I've lived my life like that, and still do to an extent...
moments in time frozen and
mulled over, as if every
critical moment of my life was preserved for future
analysis, in the hopes that someday I may be able to
change it. These moments of
insecurity held my life
down for years... Living off of
whatever meek
decisions I made at the time and
dreaming,
rehearsing, or
conjuring alternate
realities, in which my "failed" choices were undone. It's a cruel way to live, I've found. Unforgiving of self and with too high of an
expectation for your own
actions, you drive every
statement,
word, and
breath you take into a strange sense of
remorse.
Even as cliche as it sounds, living in the now is the only way to exist. Living in the future never sees the present, and living in the past never lets you take your off the burden of self-inspection and thus inevitable
guilt.
Look up, dammit! Enjoy
the sun on your face,
the company you keep, and realize now is the best time of your life, if you choose it to be; every moment better than the next. Shrug these moments of insecurity off, and
laugh to yourself...
"I'll get it right next time."