So, today I was poking through Shakespeare
nodes. I saw The Tempest
. I was reminded of when I was Miranda in December. This was for my school, a Community College
. No big deal, but loads of memories. Thinking of that play led to thoughts
of another play: Measure for Measure
(for some reason my school has a hard-on
for Shakespeare). I was Juliet in that one. I had a huge pregnant belly.. knocked up
by Claudio. So I started thinking of the guy who played Claudio. I smiled, because I like him so much. I remembered him talking to me, and how his hands felt on my shoulders. I remembered the way I felt all through rehearsals. Electricity
; a play
! I thought about this guy talking to me in between scenes. The only one who REALLY ever talked to me about any REAL
things. He understood ways about me that nobody there did. We didn't know eachother that intricate
ly, but he was plugged in
to some level that allowed him to see my landscape
. We both understood some intangible
thing about oneanother...I don't know. I liked him best out of everyone in the cast
; out of everyone in any cast that we'd been in together, and there were quite a few. He asked me to dinner once, not as a date
, but as a bridge
. For conversation
. Because he knew there was more to me than was being revealed in our talks in the theater. He knew we could exchange
many more idea
s. I knew too, but I was so terminally shy
that I couldn't accept. Social phobia
s or something. Something.. eh.
Anyway, so that's what I was thinking about this morning. This guy.
And tonight I got a phone call telling me he's dead
Something to do with his heart
I imagine. He had a transplant
several years ago. Leukemia
before that. He'd fought hard against medical problems for years and years and won everytime. Or, at least, lived everytime. So I'm guessing it had something to do with his heart but I am not sure. Details are sketchy
right now because he only just died this morning.
I should feel something more than I do. My reaction should not be: "Oh.. okay.. I understand, and there is no longer any chance that we might go to dinner."
Maybe my feelings for death were used up when another
died two summers ago. I had actually talked with him about this close friend dying. He was very interested in how it made me feel
. He wanted to know exactly
what it was like to lose someone. Because he'd come close to death so many times, he wanted to know what it was like on the other side. He wanted to know how his family and friends would feel if he died. He wanted me to somehow tell him.
But I couldn't describe it to him because what I felt was so overwhelmingly everything
. Maybe that is why I accept this now so calmly? I ran the gamut
of emotions for her
then and I cannot feel them again for him
or anyone else? I do not cry
and I do not ask why
and I do not think that it isn't fair
and I do not wonder if he can see
me now and I do not wonder
if he knew what was coming and I am not angry
and I am not shocked
and I'm not quite sad
and there are no what if
s in my head.
The only thing I feel
is slight disgust
at my own inability
to feel for this person who I know I love.
But, oh my god. I felt something as I was typing just now. I remember
saying a thing to him as I was leaving the theater one night. "I love you," I said. I remember his smile
and he said, "thank you," and meant it.
So he knew that. So, good.
For that, I feel happy.