How to buy a coconut

Take a heavy cleaver and, using the unsharpened side, hit the coconut all around its equator. If the coconut will not tell you where its equator is, it is probably because you have not gained its trust; in which case, use method two (below). Meanwhile, you may rest the coconut on any hard, unbreakable surface, or you may hold the coconut in one hand while hitting it with the other, as hands are well known to be unbreakable, especially when there are heavy cleavers involved. If you do go this route, you should first strip to your loincloth and oil up, and enlist someone to take your picture (before you swing) and send it to me. At the first sign of a crack, hold the coconut over a bowl to collect the water, which is well known to be not very useful, unless:
  • you have just found this coconut in the desert and need the fluid
  • you live in India and someone has recommended you use it to treat "women's problems"
  • your floor needs a washing, in which case you can skip the bowl part.
Then you can settle down to picking the white, edible parts off of the hard, brown, tooth-breaking parts. Or use a special grater!

Method two: preheat an oven to 400° F. Make two holes in the coconut, using an ice pick or a screwdriver, or whatever appropriate power tools you may have handy. Drain the water (if you skip these steps, your oven may be full of coconut shrapnel soon) and put the coconut in the oven for 15 minutes. Its shell should contract. Now hit the coconut with a hammer. The shell should come off. Even if it doesn't, it should be easier to pry the white meat away from the shell.

Method three: if you're pissed (either interpretation), or have injured yourself in any way from either of the preceeding methods, or you just like to throw stuff, find yourself a nice (clean-ish, this is food) flagstone or cement surface and throw that mother at the ground! Again! Again! Rinse the pieces, pick it apart, and share your goodies. Always share your goodies.

Also, always taste a small piece of the coconut just after you have broken it open. Unless you like rancid food.