Him. Is it one of those letters that you're not sure I should ever be allowed to read in my lifetime?
Him. Pretty good guess, huh?
Me. Yes, I'm impressed.
Me. I wasn't asking if you wanted to read it.
Him. Well, you know me, I always want to know. But I also know how you write and that it will make me cry.
I'm sitting here staring at this blank page and despite the fact that I'm full of words, I find it hard to fill the blank space with coherent thoughts. I have to get them out, though, because the words are drowning me; I can't breathe through my tears.
I feel like I'm going insane. I'm not in control of myself anymore, no matter how hard I try. I'm an actress, yet I am unable to play the stable character. I haven't been like this since before I left Rob. It's as if my entire world is in pieces again, and all that I worked so hard to put back together is lying at my feet in heaps. I know people say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but I'm not so sure that’s true. This is almost more than I can bear.
Obviously, I let you in too quickly. That much is my fault. I should have kept you at arm's length, followed your lead like I did in most every other area. But there's so much about you to love – your sense of humor, your drive, your passion, your honesty, your love for music, your desire for God and His perfect will for your life, the way you held me tightly, or how you would so softly touch my face...I couldn’t help myself. I felt safe, and everything was so good between us, I thought it would be okay. I thought it would be okay to open up to you, to let myself become attached to you. Even after that break we took, I saw how you had as hard a time staying away from me as I did you, so I never thought... Well, I guess that's my problem. I didn't think.
I'm beginning to see the merits of cynicism and pessimism again.
Not only have I lost my love, I've lost my best friend. You became my sounding board, the one I would tell everything to. I can’t come to you like that anymore for fear of breaching the dreaded more-than-friends wall. So your absence leaves two holes in my life.
It would be so much easier if I could say horrible things about you, about how I'm better off without you in that role. That's why people say mean things about their exes, you know, because it makes it easier to deal with the loss and pain. I don’t even have that route available to me, though, because my feelings for you haven't changed. I still see all those beautiful qualities.
Who am I kidding? Even if I did have that route available to me, I wouldn't take it. Sometimes I wish I were tougher, meaner. Certain aspects of life would be much easier.
And I know I'm behaving strangely, and the more strangely I behave, the more you’re going to want to avoid me. You're going to think I went all girl on you, psycho like every other female in our generation (as you would say). You won't believe that this isn't really me. You'll just think that this has been me all along and I'm just not able to hide who I am anymore. And there will be nothing I can do to convince you otherwise. But despite all this, I am still unable to control myself.
Why can't I let this go? Why can't I leave you on the altar like I'm supposed to? Why do I insist on dragging you around with me when you're no longer mine to hold?
I need you. I don't want to, but I do, and it seems there's nothing to be done about it. Without you, my arms seem so empty.
I hate that.