We have our jobs for a reason. We know what we're doing and what our jobs are. Listen, and listen carefully, for we are purveyors of wisdom and the only people that will be able to help you with your problem unless you can find a friend that knows what they're doing.

Listen. Listen. Listen. Follow along carefully.

Lessons in listening:


    What we say is the end-all. Whether it be the pure truth, a white lie, or tweaked into "idiotese," what we say is the final word. Please do not question us in our methods. If we say the best way to save a document to your floppy disk is to save it to the desktop and then copy it to the disk, just do it. Don't say, "Wouldn't it be easier to save it directly to the disk?" Nine times out of ten the answer is going to be a resounding "NO," because guess what! We know what we're talking about.


    Ever been in a restaurant and heard the following?

    "Hi, what's the soup du jour?"

    "It's cream of mushroom."

    "Are you sure?"

    "Yes, it's cream of mushroom."

    "Because some chicken noodle would be really nice."

    "Sorry, it's cream of mushroom for today."

    "Well, can you check anyway?"

    "I've already checked, and we only have cream of mushroom."

    "Well... is there any way I can get you to make me some chicken noodle? I could really go for some chicken noodle."

    "Sorry, we don't have any chicken noodle. We only have cream of mushroom. The only soup we have today is cream of mushroom."

    "Because some chicken noodle would be really nice. I know you're saying you don't have any chicken noodle, but you know, I was wondering if you could make me some anyway..."


    If tech support looks you squarely in the eye and says, "No," don't second guess them. We don't second guess you. No means no.


    There are a lot of ways to ask more than once, but all of them are annoying and will get you nowhere. When we answer your question the first time, do not ask again if you don't like the answer you received.

    "No ma'am, we don't support Adobe Photoshop. Users of that are expected to know how to use it."

    "Oh, well, do you know how to use it?"

    Like I know how to use a 12 guage cluestick, you stupid bitch. "Yes, but it's not a supported application."

    "Oh, okay..."

    Five minutes later

    "I know you said that it's not supported, but since you know how to use it, can you do it for me?"


    "Why not?"

    "Because it isn't supported in the labs" and I don't do people's homework for them, you stupid cunt.

    "Oh, okay..."

    Thirty seconds later

    "If you just did this for me it would save me like an hour and a half of work..."

    "Ma'am, I answered your question for you already. Ask me again and you'll be walking funny for a week and trailing a mouse cord."

    Answered once is answered for the last time.

I know there are other problems with listening, such as having to tell someone five times before they understand how to do a single task. I've not a problem with that. I understand that it takes repetition and if someone wishes for me to tell them twice or five times or fifteen times how to save a document, I will, because I know sooner or later they'll no longer need my help.

They listen.