My fellow Americans, many of you are wondering why we invaded Iraq today.

In 1972, I deserted the Texas Air National Guard 18 months before my service time was done. So now the Pentagon can ruin me at any time by simply releasing my Vietnam era file showing I deserve a Court Martial. So now, I have to do whatever they tell me. (1)

Look at the bright side, America. My father's corporation, The Carlyle Group, is a bunch of cold war spooks in the business of buying down & out military contractors who mysteriously land big money Pentagon contracts after being acquired by Carlyle.(2) So at least I will personally profit from this unprovoked, unnecessary, expensive invasion. That is why it is important to get rid of the Death Tax. So that I can inherit Dad's war profiteer boodle.

But this is not the only benefit this war has to my family. Under Ronald Reagan, the United States secretly gave military assistance to Iraq even though we had fore-knowledge(3) that our ally Saddam Hussain would use Chemical Weapons, which he did. During my father's administration, we continued to arm, fund, and advise our ally Saddam Hussein, right up until the Kuwait invasion. So it is important that we drop many bombs on whatever buildings or bunkers contain documents that incriminate my father.

Some of you may ask, what good is it to destroy Iraqi records that incriminate President Reagan and my father, when US Government records are available in our free society, that prove the same thing?

Friends, I have already taken care of that. My Executive Order #13233 halted the orderly release of Presidential Papers to historians after the usual 12 years. Instead, my father's records will now be sealed from public scrutiny, forever. As will my records, twelve years from now.(4)

As you can see America, there are perfectly simple, clear reason why I have invaded Iraq despite massive public criticism from both Republicans and Democrats everywhere. Now please take a step back so that I can tee off and try out this keen new driver.




(3) _dc_3