I wonder sometimes about all this shit.
I wonder if my whole life is going to seem completey repetative in terms of circumstances and instances.
I feel like I have so much that I should look forward to, but yet, I can't take it anymore. I feel hollow inside, completely drained, like I've invested all this time in energy into people and things that just don't care. False hopes, and dreams, that, on the brink of coming true, instead, fall to pieces.
This time it's gone to far and I know now that I am partly to blame. I am partly to blame for being so selfless that I needed you to give me a reason to feel good about myself. It's my fault for being so consumed by the aspects of society that I am so against and for allowing them to affect me in the way that they do.
I am tired of feeling this way all the time, and I am tired of being hurt by people that I love....
I just don't see how you could have meant any of what you said to me,. Do realize how that makes me feel? If you had told me the truth from the beginning, I never would have allowed myself to fall so hard for you.
I don't see how you could actually care about me at all at this point, and the craziest thing about it, is that I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. But fuck, couldn't you have taken just the smallest moment to think about how I was going to feel, or what my reaction was going to be to all of the shit that you spewed out of your mouth and into my heart.?!
I want to let you go, now more than ever I want to let that part of you go. So why is it so hard to say goodbye, especially when you have hurt me so much? Why can't I stop loving you? You made me feel alive, and you made me forget about a lot of shit in my life, but the idea that all of that was artificial is paralyzing for me. And what is almost worse is knowing that in terms of the "big picture", it is not you or the fact that I lost something I never truly had, but more, the idea that it is simply how you made me feel that I miss....
Fuck, I am boring myself with all this moaning and ranting....
But you, you make me not want to believe in people, and that I will never forget. I hope you are happy, even though, you never truly will be if you don't allow yourself to grow into your own person. And if she hurts you in the end, which I am sure she will, well, then maybe you will learn the lessons that you taught me so well.
Fuck you for being so completely fake.
My hand is soar now because I punched a bunch of car windows while walking home last night....none of them broke, fortunately for my hand....
Fuck, I wish you had just told me the truth form the beginning.
It's hard to explain how I am getting by on so little from you.
It's hard to believe that I would let myself get so wrapped into you.
There's gotta be something that would be worthwhile for me to give to you.
We need a connection, but you seem to push me far away from you.
-Dashboard Confessional-