"I am in a world of shit."-Quote from Full Metal Jacket
I was on the phone with my sister yesterday and amidst our ramblings about the Patriots(and hell yeah they won), she basically called me because she had been worried about me.
See, I talk to my sis online a lot, which is cool because we are three thousand miles away from each other and I don't get paid enough money to be able to call her all the time.
Anyway, most of the time she asks me how I am doing, and most of the time my immediate response is that I am tired, but ok. The tired bit is what has been worrying her as of late.
I have already explained in previous nodes that I have a form of insomnia. That I have trouble sleeping at night because I think too much about everything.
That I start thinking about one thing
and then that leads to thinking about something else,
which leads to feeling guilty about something else,
which leads to more guilt,
more thinking, more inability to fall asleep.
On the phone yesterday my sister told me that she thinks I should see a doctor about my sleeping problem. That maybe they can give me some medicine that will allow me to experience less anxiety.
I have thought about this before, but never really had the initiative to do anything about it, and I still don't. But my sister was upset, so I told her not to worry, if it really got bad I would go see someone. A few more little random topics of conversation and we said goodbye.
I put the phone down and sat there thinking about what she had said to me.
Medication....get some sleep.....calm the fuck down about shit for once!
But you know what? Fuck that. I will never take any form of medicine in order to allow myself to forget about things. How could I do that? In the end it would just leave me feeling more guilty than I already do. I don't want to forget about how poisoned people have become. How insanely driven they are to aquire material and status, even if it is at the expense of others. How life is a never ending cycle of conformity, even though most of the time we don't realize that is what we are doing.
No, no, no, I will not do it. I will not "solve" my "problem" by creating the illusion that it is no longer there because I swallowed some orange/blue/purple pill. I don't want to be content because I know I am not. I don't want to be able to set my head down on my nice fluffy pillow at night and just fall asleep. I don't want to forget even for a second that I am unhappy with the construction of the shit that some refer to as society.
I will not hide from it. I will not attempt to let it go and I don't care if I have to spend the rest of my life like this.
Fuck medication, it can fuck right off.