Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to wake up and realize that I was still dreaming. I mean I think it would be really cool, to be able to acknowledge that, that what you are experiencing, that might seem so real, is really just an illusion. But, shit man, what the hell is an illusion anyway? I mean, I just don't understand how we can really differentiate between what is real and what is not, it's an egoistic claim that we can know such things.

This kind of thinking always brings me back to Waking Life. And how, in the film, it is proposed that there is no actual difference between what one experiences in a dream and what one experiences in one's waking life. So, if this is true, what effect does it have on our actions, on our perceptions, on our very existence? Is it a pointless observation, or hypothesis?

Questions go unanswered, and I wonder.

Dreams fuck with my head. I can't remember them really, I don't try to to be honest. I mean why the fuck do I want to remember my dreams? They always make me sad. Often, I wake with the sensation that you are still there, sleeping next to me, breathing


And I don't like that, and I don't want to remember that, or long for it. I want to forget it because none of it was ever real to begin with....

Oh well, moving on....

This time last year, I said Merry Christmas to a friend for the last time. I didn't know it then, but that was the last time I saw him. So strange how time can creep up on you like that. How one day you're complaining about how pathetic all this consumer driven Christmas bullshit is, and then it suddenly dawns on you that you're a fucking asshole cuz at least you are alive.

Sometimes I wish I could switch places with you.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and tell you how important you were, and how special you were to your family, but I can't. All I can do is remember your laugh, and your jokes, and your gentle kindess, and promise you that i will look after Shaun always.

Two of my closest friends are celebrating Christmas without one of their parents this year. And it makes me think of what that will be like, and what it must be like. And I hate that I can do nothing for them, except tell them that I know how they feel at least on some level, even though there is no way it can be true cuz words are dead, and they don't mean shit. But I still speak them and hope that at least they know I care.

Sometimes I can't sleep, and I wish that I would just wake up and realize that all this has just been a dream. Sometimes it is mear guilt that keeps me alive.Forced into continuing with this existence because I am one of those "lucky ones," whatever the hell that is. Ha, but there I go again, being an asshole, forgetting about those that can no longer play the yearly family game of Scrabble, eat the Christmas breakfast, and who can't hear the laughter of their family and friends as the stories of old are told.

Oh fuck this shit, it's too late for this now.

To my beloved e2 family!! I just want to thank anyone of you that I have ever talked to, or that has ever given me a positive msg, or kind word. I fucking love this place we got here, and I think it's an incredible sign of the true human spirit. Thanks for dealing with my rants....take care. ;)