Well since the last daylog I wrote, things have gone exactly as I had assumed they were going to, down the fucking hill faster than Hermann Maier in the 1998 Olympics.
I don't understand it sometimes....life that is. Makes no sense to me whatsoever....but that's another daylog in itself....
It seemed like recently I was writing about how amazing I have been feeling. Funny how that can change in a matter of hours.
I guess for some reason, it just doesn't feel right to me what happened. How quickly and easily you managed to pull me in, and then just as easily push me away. Or rather, pull yourself away. I suppose I can't blame you. I can't do anything about the fact that you refuse to attach yourself to anything right now, especially someone else. I can't do anything about the fact that you don't want to feel, can't be bothered by feelings, especially those of another.
But why did this have to end the way it did?
You ended it, and then preceeded to stay over my house, in my bed, turned away from me. Leaving me to lay there, staring up at the ceiling thinking about how wrong it was. How wrong it was that there we were, together, and yet not.
And then when I tried to leave the room because I couldn't sleep and was upset you wouldn't let me, and instead you pulled me into you, and held me.
How am I supposed to respond to that? Where am I supposed to go from here, when I know that it is fear that is keeping you from me and that is it.
Fear.....
I feel lost now. I told you I never wanted to say goodbye to you, and you, you told me I would never have to....and now, now you are forcing me to let you go.
I don't want to give up this easy. I don't want to just accept this and try and move on. Not this time. This time it is different...there is more....there is something that I can't put into words at work here, and you are the one that is throwing it away.
Time will pass I suppose. Perhaps we will stay friends, perhaps not. For some reason I am not going to be surprised if you don't stop by before you go to work on Saturday to say hi.Oh, did I forget to mention that we work right next to each other? Yeah, that's an added plus....chuckle..chuckle...
But in all seriousness, if that happens,
I think a part of me is going to die on the inside. And I am not trying extremely hard to be over-dramatic,
I am being honest.
My heart is like broken glass. Shattered by a few simple words. And I hate that remembering you and remembering your smile hurts right now. That was never supposed to happen.
All I can do now is hope that this isn't over yet.
But I fear that I am wrong and I hate that more than anything.
Standing at the door of the Pink Flamingo crying in the rain.
It was a kind of so-so love, and I'm gonna make sure it doesn't happen again.
You and I had to be the standing joke of the year.
You were a runaround, a lost and found and not for me I feel.
Take your hands off me, I don't belong to you, you see.
And take a look in my face for the last time.
I never knew you, you never knew me,
Say hello goodbye
Say hello and wave goodbye.
David Gray