This is the last time some of my good friends and I had gotten together before our deployment. We wanted to make a big ending to our year, kinda as something to remember as we take a voyage into hell for a year.... We got what we asked for.
One of the nicer day's in Fort Richardson, Alaska, my friends and I found out about the Alaska State Fair. We had already been drinking quite a bit and enjoying our day off from a long impeccable week, once we heard the news of a fair going on not even 30 minutes away, we made plans immediately.
I called my friend "Issues" to be our DD so we could have fun. With no worries of getting in trouble, we were dressed and ready to go. My buddy "BR" and I had started travel plans, unfortunately we failed to get more than one vehicle. Trying to fit 7 people in a Ford Bronco with a case of Budweiser and a bottle of Jack Daniels was not a fun task. I was not comfortable at all...
Halfway to the fair we realize we have finished our beer and the bottle of Jack and all needed to urinate worse than a horse with diabetes. We pull into a gas station with one restroom, (our luck right). We were pretty drunk and decided to also use the sink as a secondary pisser...didn't take long to get kicked out.
Continuing our arrogance and stupidity we proceeded onwards to our destination. We had somehow obtained another case of beer; for some reason we couldn't wait the 20-30 minute drive we had left.
The rest of the drive seemed to fly by, though parking seemed to be a whole different story. We felt like kids in a candy shop being held on a leash and once again we all had to piss. By the time we parked and had gotten out of the truck, we realized how shitfaced we really were.
The Line to get in the fair did not help us obtain any peace in our bladder. I felt like I was holding off a fire hose from being released of it's pressure. My friend "Edge" was already getting mad, he was not fortunate enough to be able to piss at the gas station before we got kicked out; (we kinda fueled the fire by not letting "Issues" pull over for him either, but it was worth the laugh). He started yelling at everybody in front of us with threatening insults until we finally got to the gate. We were way too smashed to be annoyed and almost laughing so hard I felt I was going to piss myself.
I couldn't hold it. I bolted through the gate and the security to a port-a-john, you wouldn't guess what was waiting for us...another line. Thank god the security guards were understanding, they just had one of us go to the gate and pay are entrance fee. Of course we chose "Edge", he was pissed.
Finally after all was said and done we Reqrouped beside the port-a-johns to elaborate our plan. "Edge" had calmed down a bit since he finally relieved himself and was sobered up from all the yelling and fussin' he did. My friend "Dodge" decided we should hit the bar first, and yes we all agreed.
Fortunately we are very good at holding our alcohol.
Nothing exciting happened at the bar, the rides were still open in the fair so I guess all the smart people had been getting the rides out of their system first. We on the other hand took the opposite path of intemperance.
After a few shots, talk started up between us about trying to get on as many rides as we can for free. My buddy "Billy" was all in, nothing could change his mind after he heard that; "Billy" slid off his bar stool and in a waddled run, made his way in the direction of the horse stables...
"Edge" and "Issues" decided to go to get food, "Dodge" and some other guy that came with us I named "Rant" decided to go the right way to the rides. It was up to "BR" and myself to go get billy out of the horse stables.
When we found "Billy" in the horse stables asleep between two bails of hay; I didn't even have to say a word to "BR". Not 5 seconds later "BR" had a bucket of water and proceeded to pour it on "Billy". The words that came out of "Billy's" mouth I will not repeat in this story.
I have no clue what everybody else did in between the time we had split up till the time we all found each other again. It was a couple hours later though so I new they did something stupid, mostly because "Edge" was not with them. So we questioned "Issues"
"Br"- Where in' the hell is "Edge"!
"Issues"- I Don't know, I went to use the restroom and when I came out, he was gone.
"Dodge"- HAHA, Somebody better call the police station!
"BR"- Shut up "Dodge" and go take care of "Billy". Hero, let’s go check the bar over by the restrooms....
"BR"- Hero?
"Rant"- Umm.."BR", Hero is already walkin that'a way
"BR"- ...Fuck'n douchbag...WAIT UP YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
-The only reason I remember the conversations that is because "BR" had a tape recorder playing in his pocket for an unknown reason but it was worth all the laughs.
***
We get the bar and before we enter, we spot "Edge", he is in the smoking section entertaining a group of people with some of his "jokes"....Now let me explain "Edge's" jokes.
"Edge's" jokes can only be described as a vulgar cross-way between Tucker Max and Bob Saget. The jokes he tells aren't only sexist but racist and descriptive. Don't get me wrong, I love his jokes, they are funny as hell. But once he gets started they progressively get worse and then somebody wants to fight.
This crowd seemed to enjoy his jokes...If you haven't been in the party scene a lot you wouldn't know if you add alcohol, jokes, and laughter and all seems to be going well, it is usually a sign of a horrible ending.
I casually walk over with "BR" walking slowly behind analyzing everybody there. (#1 rule: Know the surroundings when suspected fights can occur). As we approach "Edge" tried to bust a joke on me; I can take a joke but also I'm almost as bad as "Edge" but with self-control. We exchange jokes back and forth and the crowd of people are in a hysterical laughing fit. We calmed down and started drinking and "Edge" finally being done of jokes starts talking to some random girl, "BR" is chatting up a couple girls, and I secure the tape recorder and travel the bar.
I talked to many random people but nobody worth enjoying a conversation with, everyone there was either married or single wanting to talk about life problems, and I wasn't drunk enough to pretend to listen to them.
Everybody else shows up a little later, I guess they decided to enjoy the park while we found "Edge"; but then we hit another problem. "Billy" had been kicked out of the fair because of public indecency...he was getting a blow job from a girl on the Farris wheel...
I call up "Billy" to see where he is at, this is the conversation-
"Billy"- Hey Hero where you at
"Me"- That's a great question dumb-ass, I am enjoying the FAIR!
"Billy"- Me too bro, I'm by the Farris wheel.
"Me"- I just got told you were kicked out Motherfucker
"Billy"- There is more than one entrance bro, where y'all at.
"Me"- At the bar across from the Concert stage, don't do anything stupid on the way over
"Billy"- I'm almost there, see you in a second..
-I thought he hung up on me, but the phone told me otherwise......
***
As I told my buddies what was said over the phone they just started laughing. This laughter was not about what I had told them but it was because "Billy" had just walked through the door to the bar hand in hand with "said to be" girl that had gotten him kicked out in the first place. He was drunker than when I last saw him and he could barely stand straight, right then I knew, this night was going to be interesting.
I made sure the Tape recorder was still going and for some amazing reason it lasted this long, "BR" had told me that he bought it off Amazon or something; The only thing I knew about it was the "stop","play", and "record" features it had, even had the huge Olympus name on the top of the device which just sounds badass.
I made my way once again around the bar figuring I was drunk enough to be entertained by anybody with half a brain.
I found myself sitting with "Dodge" and "Edge" at a table, we were conversing with 4 women over some beers and have a good time. The down side was that only one of them was my type although she had major daddy issue's, two looked like Jabba the Hut, and the fourth one looked as if some amphibious animal and converged itself with a baby orangutan.
Now as I got drunker my self control over obnoxious behavior tends to leave my presence and I never realized it till I heard this conversation:
"DaddyIssues"- So Hero, how much have you drank today
"Me"- I lost count after the first case this morning
"II Chins"- You might have an alcohol problem
"Overlay"- Ya you might wanna slow down before your liver fails
"Me"- ...Who are y'all, my doctors
"Dodge"- (trying to whisper to "Edge") uh-oh Hero is about to make Fatty one and two eat their words.
"Overlay"- Who are you calling fat!
"Me"- Couldn't be y'all, I mean look at you. Saying your fat would be a nice gesture.
"Overlay"- THAT WAS FUCKING MEAN YOU ASSHOLE
"II Chins"- YA, YOU DON'T THINK WE WANNA BE SKINNY
"Me"- The want vs the try. What happened, did you calves cry for help when you got up to run.
"DaddyIssues"- Why are you being so rude, we haven't done anything to you.
"Edge"- Oh shit, this is gonna be good, HAHAHAHA
"Dodge"- *sighs* Well I guess they aren't going home with us.
"Reptilian"- Why would we wanna go home with a bunch of dicks who do nothing but drink and demoralize people they just met.
"Me"- Why would we wanna take Sea World, Free Willy, Mrs. Parental Control, and a Reptiles child home with us?
"Reptilian"- If you are making a joke about my neck pealing, ITS FROM A SUNBURN.
"Me"- Its 30 degrees outside, how in the hell do you get a sunburn in ALASKA
"Reptilian"- ....*sniff* Why are you being so mean
"Dodge"- "This is Hero when babbles of nonsense and stupidity erupt in a conversation and he is tired of hearing it. When engaged he will throw violent insults to get you to go away. Only happens on very random occasions"
"Edge"- HAHAHA, I've seen this once in my life and the second time is even better HAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
"DaddyIssues"- I was attracted to you but now your just like every other guy!
"Me"- Bet that put a damper on your night, If I had to make a choice to take you or Chubaca home with me I'd consider shooting myself and calling it even.
"DaddyIssues"- WE ARE LEAVING! I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS ABUSE ANYMORE!
"Me"- Bye whore, I bet daddy didn't treat you any better.
As the girls where getting up to leave they scolded us with looks that would hurt the normal man, my buddies where laughing there asses off, and I guess I was sitting calmly at the table still drinking away. I am surprised I didn't get slapped by one of them from the verbal abuse I had put them into a moral decline, a state of depression and/or possible suicide.
By this time the bar was close to closing and all of us where drunker than Cooter Brown during the Cival War. "Issues" our DD for the night didn't know what to do, she was ranting and raving that we had gone to far with our drunkin stupidity, something about how we should ashamed of ourselves, and all the boloney that goes with somebody being sober around a bunch of drunk people having fun. Then something glorious had happened. "Rant" vomited everywhere, it was as if he had an uncontrollable spasm in his body and sprayed the crowd of whoever couldn't get out of the way in time, as this was going on the people getting hit where puking. I have never witnessed something in this magnitude before but it was AWESOME!
***
Finally when everybody got outside and stopped throwing up everywhere things started to escalate. People were angry and started yelling at each other for whatever reason, everything was really blurry to me as I stepped outside, that did not help my situation at all. The last thing I remember was somebody yanking me by my arm and I proceeded to follow......
I awoke in a very strange place, I had two kids poking my arm and squeezing my nose; I thought I had been kidnapped by the Lost Boys.
When I finally came to my senses I realized I was in an RV. It smelled like food was being made and the little boy was staring at me with a devious look, and not gonna lie, I thought the kid was gonna stab me. Then a woman walked in...it was "DaddyIssues".
By this time I have already realized I had indeed slept with her, my clothes where laying on the ground and all that was left on my body had been my boxers. She looked at me with this confused look like I was fucking crazy. I LOST IT! I decided not to blow up and go off in front of her kids for her hi-jacking me from my friends but also for the fact I was an hour away from the base, I didn't know where anyone was, and I was sober enough to realize that I was fucked.
I grabbed my clothes and walked out of the RV without saying a world, I put on my clothes and got out my phone. It was 4 a.m, the parking lot to the fair was completely empty; I was dumbfounded my friends were gone.
I called up "Issues". When she picked up I had went straight from calm to yelling at her through the phone for leaving me at the park..She was also dumbfounded I was still at the fair. She explained to me that everyone had gathered at the truck after the crowd had gotten dispersedfrom out in front of the bar, when I wasn't there my friends scattered to look for me - Only 2 of my friends returned. After awhile of waiting they said they had to go thinking we had met up with somebody we knew and had gotten a ride with them. Unfortunately that was not the fact.
After hanging up with her she had called "Dodge" and "BR" to come and get me. I have never been happier to be back on post in my life.
Later on that same afternoon we all wake up from our drunken comma's and begin reconfiguring our night. We head out to the smoking section which happens to be our Rally Point encase anything like the night before happened. Once there it took at least an hour for everyone to arrive; such a fucking agonizing wait...I was hungover and out of cigarettes and seemed like my brain was trying to escape through my ears.
Everyone quieted down and I pull out the tape recorder....It was still going. You must realize this is a whole day later, AMAZING!
The Last big party night before we started shipping out to Afghanistan, and we asked for an eventful night... As in the words of Charlie Sean "WINNING!"
The stories that were told of what happened when we split up at the fair...
"Issues"- She had a night of baby-sitting, unfortunately for her she had to drive "BR" and "Dodge" all the way back. On their return she went to sleep, (before getting a phone call from me). After she knew I was being picked up she went back to sleep.
"BR" and "Dodge"- They had gotten back and where playing video games relaxing before coming to get me. After we returned to post we all passed out.
"Billy", "Edge", and "Rant"- They woke up at the gun range. Apparently they were practicing battle drills while wasted bounding and running around "Playing war"...We still have no clue how they returned back to base.
"Myself"- Well that has already been stated in this story. "DaddyIssues" is always trying to add me on Facebook from time to time, I still have nightmares of waking up in that RV, and I still am grateful nobody went to jail.
And the "Tape Recorder"- It is in my possession at this time but it will soon be returned to "BR" for him to have what ever fun with it as he pleases. I found out that out that it has 2GB of memory and can record for 843 hours! If only I knew how the batteries lasted all day recording, that's the last unsolved mystery of the Tape Recorder.