Though I'll be the first to admit I've been ignoring my duties as of late, being Dean of Drug Laced Coconut Distribution is nothing to take lightly, and it seems only right that I take this more seriously, assert myself, if you will. And so..

Would the faculty of Yossarian's School of Badassary please report to the main office some time before the end of the week in order to pick up your tiny paper umbrella's, ridiculously (exceedingly, even) large knives, and translucent, high quality straws. There will be only three programs to complete before you will be "ready" to distribute the coconuts properly, as I can't be expected to complete this arduous task on my lonesome.

To learn more about the three brief courses, packed with potent, essential knowledge, your presence is requested at an "Introduction to Drug Laced Coconut Distribution", the second Friday of some month, at some time, somewhere. Below is a brief outline, that touches upon exactly what you should be preparing yourself for in relation to each individual course.
        Slicing Big Ass Coconuts, "How to":
        The knife must be positioned just so,
        for there really is no room for error in 
        such instances. Do not allow coc'y hairs
        to fall into milk (common sense lessons), 
        and why lemon juice is not used to rinse 
        eyes, as a rule of sorts.

Lacing, "No Softcore Drugs Here":

Some people are hesitant to distribute
cocaine laced coconuts to their students.
Even more so, some have trouble with the
harmless drugs, such as heroine. You are
not required to lace the coconuts yourself
if it conflicts with your religious beliefs
or moral standards, however, a note from 
the Dean of Sharp Objects will be required
before you may be excused. Proper lacing
techniques will be revealed with labelled
diagrams and shiny pointy lasers.

                 Distribution, "No, officer, these are 
                 not my coconuts":
                 There may be slight legal problems that
                 arise from time to time. Disregard them.
                 "F$@# da police!" Word. Distribution of
                 these drug laced coconuts, merely available
                 for their educational value, is not the
                 same as "drug trafficking". You are not the
                 criminal here. "THE MAN" never did 
                 anything for you! 
                (That is to say, this last course deals  
                 with... brainwashing!) 
Warning: Any stolen coconuts will be recovered by our resident monkey, Bobo.
hamster bong,
Dean of Drug Laced Coconut Distribution