i am.. really depressed, more than i care to try and explain to anyone, really don't think anyone would want to hear it anyway. i just want to get away from the feeling.. i haven't felt like this since christmas. not sure what to do with it.. my head is so sore and my brain isn't good for much but producing whining bullshit or whatever you want to call this. i guess i wouldn't be writing this here if i didn't want to feel like someone gave a shit.. ploy for sympathy? i don't know.. i think i was just hoping all of this would pass after i got all that sleep but it just feels worse now knowing it isn't caused by lack of rest.

i cried a lot last night.. i don't know what's going on in my head right now. i just want to be able to be close to you.. i need that.

today, i hide my eyes.

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i think i'll pull myself out of this today, whatever it takes, because it's stupid to stay in it knowing i don't have to. it's just i never really figured out what was bothering me so much.. i guess it is a lot of little things. i don't want people to get sick of me.. namely, you. i feel like you might. i've yet to find anyone that could handle the way i slip sometimes without just getting mad at me.

i sketched again for the first time in at least half a year, last night.. not just doodles or.. anything, a sketch like the ones i used to. i couldn't finish it, didn't want to, wasn't in it enough but.. i can still do it and that feels good. i used to sketch a lot more, before i fell into whatever it is i fell into that flipped my creative output to text rather than images.

i found myself pondering last night, all of the people who told me that they would always be there for me, but never were, or really are not now. it wasn't a very nice realization but i guess it is the way of things and stuff, isn't it? i'm feeling better now.. just watch my mood progression in this daylog.. i'm so lame, i really am.

i shall believe.