I am not happy and I am so TIRED of everyone telling me I should be. I am a mess but I am hiding it well. I can shut off, I can't shut off when I talk to anyone. I hadn't cried all day, until you turned me back on. I HATE it here. It does not get easier, I cannot feel this horribly ALONE and be happy.

So I'm happy for you, I hope you have a wonderful, wonderful time, but do NOT guilt trip me for being sad, because I just am, and you made it worse, which is the absolute LAST thing I needed. You are not supposed to be the one to make it worse..

It would be pretty fucking easy for everyone, if I could just turn it all off, wouldn't it, but you of all people should know that I CAN'T DO THAT, I have never been able to.

Just before you messaged me I was thinking of you and was going to write to you, or about you, or something to do with you.. it was almost peaceful in my head for a few seconds. You were a part of that softness.. and now it's just all broken again.

Maybe, you are distracted by the world and you don't have my brain and you are not somewhere that kills your soul, and I guess that would make it hard to understand. You don't know what's going on, don't know that he's engaged again. You don't know how dad yelled and I fell apart and we hugged, don't know how it is here, because we haven't had the time to talk. I do not know what to do. I don't have anyone else to fall into, and I need that badly right now, so excuse me if I forget to tell you that I hope you have a nice time. If it slips my mind to ask you how beautiful and wonderful it is there.. I do want to know, just wait, and tell me when everything isn't dark and hurting.

Even if your shoulder is a million miles away, I still want to feel like I can have it.