update: There I was, being all bitter/cynical, mad at the world, and then he happens along.. though I guess he was there all along, I just didn't bother to take enough notice. So, I'm being my angry self and he just says this one little thing.. and I melt, I melt and then all of the bad stuff is simply gone away completely and I cry for a few minutes because it threw me off so much. It completely demolished the train of thought I had going all day long, all last night.. I was intensely angry for a few seconds just because it was all too much, the hard, fast change of my entire mindset/feelings. It's most unsettling that anyone can do that, have that effect on me.. ah well. I'm completely happy but totally exhausted now.. argh.

So I was browsing through the newspaper tonight and read about that Cuban kid finally going 'home', and how some random lady said, "I haven't met him, but he's marvellous". I kind of thought that was amusing.. I mean, whatever, you know? The kid could be a little annoying bastard. I would be, if everyone was flinging guns and cameras in my face constantly, and asking me a bunch of stupid emotional questions in order to determine my mental health which would only grow steadily worse with every mind-bogglingly stupid person that acted like I was the biggest deal in the world. We're all freaking people.. my friend's dad was in the hospital yesterday, he wasn't on the news. The entire world wasn't at his bedside via cameralink, and I bet he's really glad they weren't too. Stupid media. Blah blah blah.

I was depressed earlier, now I'm just kind of.. bitchy, and sort of pissed off at everything. (Not everything2, everything else.)

I just kind of wanted more from the night, that's all, as per usual I'm being greedy and whiny, and self-loathing.

I went for a walk to try and get away from the physical ache'yness but it failed really and I kind of wish I could be someone else for a second so that I could throw something at my head to make me shut up.

Fuck it.

The sky looks strange tonight.. like from a horror flick only it's still almost raining and the night isn't frightening it's just strange. There are light wispy clouds floating around, but they're not thick or close enough to block out the stars which seem all too real tonight.

I watched Much Music most of the day, actually Much More Music, and they had Jann Arden on for a while. It made me fucking sorry to exist in this world, I hate being a human sometimes. Some random "industry" guy once told her she'd do much better if she lost about twenty pounds. Fuck the industry, fuck all of the god damn morons who can't accept people for who they are, but most of all, fuck the stupid jaded son of a bitch pricks that make people feel like less than the amazing little humans they are just because they don't fit the ideal physical mould.

Um. I think I'll shut up now, at the risk of offending random people with my naughty language and bitchy content.

I'll add to this later, when the world stops crumbling, or at least until I start ignoring the fact that I keep falling, slipping, scrambling for a foothold any way, any where. I'm ready to fall.