So this week it had been a discouraging one, and my faith in humanity seemed to sink low, but it did not fade away but for the dreamy little humans that could never, would never let me believe that life is anything short of amazing. I went away for awhile, away solely in mind aside from a few short walks, and in there I found some sort of pain that I'd thought I'd been rid of for a time. It was still there, I guess I should have known, but it hurt again, the same hurt I'd felt when it all seemed to come crashing in around me and he slipped from my world. He said, "I'm still in your life" yesterday, he said that to me, but no, he's not, more so than he'll ever realize. Never replaced, never forgotten, but always and forever gone. Perhaps guest appearances now and then can be arranged, possibly even some time alotted for conversation, but never a part of my life, never again.

Today has been sweet as far as days go, sweet and kind of clean, sort of beautiful in an odd way. The sun really isn't out in all its infinite glory, it's sort of a background piece to the day that seems focussed on the wind, the gentle breeze and the tree that I can see through my window. I've a bit of a headache, and a tiny bit of an ache in my heart, but it's not so much as it was and I can deal with this level of longing. I've also pain in my back, but that's totally unrelated and not muchly associated with emotion, I'd wager.

I have a few things to node today, before sleep.. sleep eludes me sometimes, but tonight I think it will come easy, and dreamily. I've hours left 'til the sunset, days left until I figure out exactly why I am so content today as opposed to the rest of the week, though I suspect there is one good reason. Many dreamy things were said to me today, from various sources.. I have but one issue that seems to complicate everything, in the most perfect of ways, love, love and only in it's mere presence does it complicate, confuse, hurt, at the same time that it makes me feel truly grateful to be alive.

I know there are a lot of people who sit back and think that they've wasted a lot of time, even years, wasted years they lament and worry over, years they can't get back.. I realized today that I loved every precious minute to this point. Even the aching, painful moments when I wished for the world to stop spinning and let me off. Every amazing little second that I could have looked up but didn't because it made for the times I can smile now, knowing that I'll never know what the soft blue, cloud-tainted sky above me means. Thankfully, I've taken many things in my life for granted.. because for every new realization I make, for every person, thought, image, creature that I learn to love on so many levels, there is that feeling, that intense little feeling of being a better me. I feel just a bit more rich, and I find it easier to believe that I've this special place in the universe that no one else could have filled. Whenever someone tells me anything I've written, said, done, has touched them.. those are the times that I feel the most real (or is it surreal?).

I knew it would happen this week.. I'd rediscover my dreamy thoughts that seemed to have slipped away to a point, but they were there all along, just kind of waiting in the background, the thought'y shadows, until I was ready for them again. There is nothing more glorious then ending what was a seemingly terrible week with the thought that I should have been so lucky, thankful, to have had it at all.

I Hope You Dance.