I don't know what's going on with, well, everything, but then, I rarely do. I'd say I want it all to make sense, but it's probably not true and I'm tired of the seemingly harmless little lies that I tell myself.

Today, I realized..

That I've successfully estbalished no real direction in my life, and am left knowing nothing aside from the fact that I like to write. Will this lead anywhere? Possibly. It's also possible that the moon will one day turn to dreamy moonbeam juice and fall into cleverly placed champagne glasses next to an infinite sea of raw, liquid emotion. The latter might be less likely.

A mere single day separates me and being nineteen. Chilling. I've to get to sleep shortly, because a friend who can't make it to the "party" (if you can call a gathering of two or three people a party), is coming to visit in the afternoon. I'm listening to "Mudmen" off of 'Obscured by Clouds', at herbman's suggestion. Dreamy stuff. It seems to be making me sleepier, though.

I did a lot of walking today, and an insane amount of thinking, pondering, wondering, loving living smiling drowning in odd sorrow. I am still alive. I can do this. (This life thing, that is.)

It was brought to my attention today that I made it on the "If you could share a hammock with a fellow noder, who would it be?" node. Infinitely dreamy. That made me smile muchly, a simple little thing perhaps but.. still. Rather than adding a write-up to that node, I'll just slip it in here.. I'd love to share a hammock with the following, brief reasoning provided:

herbman (so many reasons), humanure (for being a neat little human), pukesick (for the aching text, you know?), hamstergirl (for being), MasterYoshi (cause he's smoooooooth, right little yoshi?), hodgepodge (see: ode to a podge'y). I guess I'll stop there for no reason aside from the fact that I'm getting very tired, and I've some other things to say yet. I wouldn't use the hammock in the traditional way, either, I just like to sit on them and swing. (Not sure if I'm creating the proper mental image there.. but it's very very fun.)

I guess this night should mean things are.. changing? Are going to change? Have changed, might do so? Perhaps. I'd prefer to think that this day, this night just is. I don't plan on finding any meaning in it aside from the obvious.. though nothing appears to be obvious at present.

I did something today that I'd put off, pretending it wasn't necessary, that it might just sit and be without causing harm. I deleted all of the e-mail my ex sent me, some from as long ago as '98. I guess that's not tremendously long, but things were so different then. Everything was different then. I'm glad it isn't the same, but I miss having everything planned out sometimes. Then again, I guess I never really knew what the hell I was doing at any given point in my life. I think that the only reason I feel that I did now is because I want it to be so, I want to know that even for a brief moment I had some sort of future in mind. It isn't true, though, I've always questioned, wondered, even when things seemed set in stone.. diamonds, to be exact. I had my one last look at you, through your words.. and now it is all over.

The walks I went on today were fairly nice.. I brought along one of the little brown bunny's on the second walk, but on the first i simply picked a daisy and sat with it next to a bunch of wild snap dragons. I completed the notorious 'he loves me, he loves me not' thing, and then carried on my way.

I am too tired to be living. I probably have more to say but I'm beyond tired at this juncture.