it's not you. it's that i stopped knowing what i want. it is fall creeping into me and i am restless trying all at once to say i love you i hate this i need to go
. she did not come to me assembled. i've never been good with directions. her small self has crept into my brain, invaded so thoroughly that i am left many nights hoping i will somehow transform into the person that had time to love someone like that
. i am left hoping i will revert and forget mending the torn bits of myself.
later in the day when the sun had gone i held my head, cradled on my knees and thought - almost fondly - that i will never know if there were a lesser travelled path. how high and how straight to hold my head so that i never catch glimpses of them, never feel the knot tight in my throat. will they spend a life time stealing my breath
like this? however bloated with water i've never been able to drown the butterflies in my stomach when there is a new connection. it is an excuse, though, and you will accept it. it makes all the difference (it makes it go away
, for you).
it is in the lack of feeling, mostly, how i know it won't matter what i say after this because i've lost it. i can't help you
living in the past like this i rarely bother to think of tomorrow
, the days and months following. there is only so much room inside of a head. perhaps the lumps in my throat and the stomach knots are all of the people i have lost sliding into different spaces in my body so that i might move on some day. eventually there may be enough room left in there for some next week down the road
. a quiet whisper tells me the lucky ones remember how to feel when the head empties out a little.
curiously, i seem to know when it is you causing the pain
in my side. the others, a blur. i let her inside of me, like crashing waves and thunder. my life is a faded painting hanging in a dishevelled seaside
shanty, i am the tiny boat, torn and tattered sails.
lifting my head from my knees, a deep breath. i am simply thankful.
there is nothing like the calm.