I rarely know what to say anymore. Hello.. yes, alive, living, working on that one. I miss you. I love you. I'm sorry. It's okay. And I hate to turn to defaults so I have been quiet.

He is gorgeous (this means worlds) and I love where we are going. I could sigh and I could be impatient.. I remember that everything a person really wants seems so much longer and I try to remember to breathe.

The sky is so sane in winter. It doesn't even turn so angry and when it does, you can't see it through white falling cold. I would be depressed over things like this, sometimes, not lately, though.. it just is. I just am.

We list our resolutions and they never turn out quite as we expect. It is not bad to list. One can never have too many lists, probably.. human brains (perhaps just mine) are so terrible for remembering single words.

This year is for people. It is for my dad who is still sick so often but he is here and lord knows what I would do if he wasn't. I don't forget how that was all so intense and horrible and frightening. I still worry every day and I watch you sleeping in a chair and check twice to make sure you are okay.

It is for Bryon. We all loved you.. we still do.

It is for Quince.. he was not a person but he was an amazing creature. I will miss him, too. It is sad but not surprising that he did not live long without you..

It is for the thousands of people I did not know who just aren't anymore.

K is not around and it seems strange. I don't feel like she is a person I can just let be a peripheral in my life. I am determined to fix this somehow.. so much to say to her, so so much.

I am really not much for mentioning each person who has been a lot to me, I can not remember them all, there are far too many. I miss Leigh Ann much more than I really care to.. so many people are just dull aches that float around my stomach so much of the time. I can't figure out how I will ever not miss at least a dozen people horribly.

This year has been so sad and so wonderful and so /insane/. I met (mostly I feel like I got closer to some people I already knew) so many people and I fell in love with so many things about them and I am just in awe of all that I've experienced since I met you. You have changed me, and my life, despite how horribly negative I can be, I am a trillion times happier than I have ever been. It is hard to stay sad. It has never been that.. you are like a little angel to me. My noggin' is filled with thoughts of us. I am not even so worried about when exactly it will all unfold, it just feels very real and unlike anything I'd expected. I don't really know what else to say. You are my best friend, and I love you so much. It is the most wonderful thing to watch you thinking about how it will be after you step into life (really step into it), and to know that you want me to be a part of it.

This next while is just going to be strange. Long.. I am going to be lonely a lot for a while. I have so many crazy ideas of things I'd like to do this year.. mostly, I need to eat more fruit.