Odd how this was quite some time ago, I remember it as though it were yesterday, only I'm quite sure my mindframe is considerably different. I've a different slant on the happening's of Christmas day now, but I remember how I felt.

I woke up around 6:30, I was excited but I'm not sure why, I guess it's almost programmed into my head at this point. "Be excited on Christmas Eve." I spent a lot of money this year, about $1000, simply because I could, actually I don't think I ever told anyone but the only reason I went to work with my dad starting in September was so that I might have enough to actually buy things for people this year. Well, I did it. I also wanted to have money to go see the one I now refer to as my ex. He would also be the reason I remember Christmas day so well.

I asked him if he would be around on IRC Christmas morning, as he was the previous two years. I was to go visit him the following week but.. he didn't want me to, only recently did I find out why. (See: cheating, dishonesty, hurt.) I remember trying so hard to smile at my little presents as I opened them, and I can't believe you ruined that for me still, though I don't hold a grudge. I just can't believe that you did it after knowing how much I'd worked for it.

Things I got (the memorable ones):
  • a growing light.. it's neat, and was a gift from my parents
  • a glitter lamp.. probably the best present i got if only because of the neat water'y, relaxing patterns it creates on my ceiling at night, this was from my best friend
  • a camera.. i wanted a camera, but i don't particularly like the one my mother picked out for me, though i used it muchly and have 5 rolls of undeveloped film still sitting in my room
  • a whole lot of hurt and confusion.. that's what he gave me, even though he went on about the gifts he'd got for me a few weeks beforehand.. i never did get those, though i sent him some neat stuff..
I don't know why exactly I felt like writing this daylog, being that it's July. I guess I've always wanted to get some of that stuff out. I was so unhappy that day, so intensely unhappy.

We went to my mother's parents place on Christmas Eve, as per tradition, but Christmas day we go to my dad's parents. We don't get along very well with them, and I spent the entire trip over joking around about how the year before I kept bursting out laughing at the extreme awkwardness of thrusting a bunch of people that barely know eachother into the same house for a holiday which is supposed to commemorate something none of them believe in. It's always like that, but '98 was the funniest year, if not a bit sad. My cousin Candace didn't even show up this year, so that means it'll be another year before I see her again, if she bothers to come then. I can't say that I blame her, it's not as if being there is ever very enjoyable. It's just one of those things you're forced to tolerate, I guess. Christmas Eve is always a billion times dreamier, I only wish that I hadn't been so broken at the time.

I wonder why it is that I always get so excited about decorating things up for Christmas.. I think I just like that it's an excuse to put neat little lights everywhere. I like the lights.. I've a story about them. I'll tell it later. I'm tired now..

It's funny, the day was nothing like I'd hoped it would be.. but I still remember a few good points that I can't deny amidst all of the turmoil and pain. You couldn't take it all away, though I'm quite sure you tried pretty hard.. it's times like this when laughing at the strange universe you tend to live in seems like a good idea.

Right now I smell cinnamon. Neat.