I am.. so, so
sorry. That is all I can think to say to you is that I am just sorry for being so selfish and stupid, sometimes I cave and what spills from inside of me is nothing that I'd normally let anyone see. This can be viewed as both good, and bad. I drank.. so much tonight. So much. More than I've ever had.
I didn't like it,
I didn't want to do it, and
I am not happy that I did for the the most part.. but it had to happen, if only because I am so terrible at letting anyone else help me that it just can't happen until something sets it off. I can not bring myself to "
whine", to tell people how truly awful I'm feeling about myself or anything in my life sometimes. I didn't want to burden anyone.. the alcohol encourages tears that needed to come so badly. And she listened.. to
everything I said, she listened and I felt so amazing after letting all of that out of my head. It was driving me
crazy. But.. I am sorry. I am sorry that I didn't think of you. I didn't know.. I had no idea how it might make you feel I didn't even think about that, and you've no idea how much I
beat myself up over that tonight.
It hurt crazy amounts that you didn't want to talk to me while I was like that, and moreso because I wouldn't have wanted to talk to me either.
Good things came of tonight,
despite the strange way in which it all commenced. My mom knows about Marc now, and I'm very happy about that because it had been immeasurably
hard for me to let that out to her for fear of judgement mostly. Also, basically everyone knows now,
I suppose. And then there was that whole issue of bottled up emotion that needed out so badly.. in the future, I'll find other ways to let it out. Alcohol is destructive, if not to me, to others, and I care too much to let it happen again.
The most amazing night I've ever had
despite it all. I talked to my best friend about everything, she was great, it was
exactly what I've needed for some time.. and then.. we wandered outside and layed with a blanket and pillows on the front deck. After talking there for a while, I had the urge to sprawl out on the driveway..
so I did. Just like that. And we saw the
big dipper, though I couldn't find the small.. we just stared up at the sky. She brought the blanket and pillows out to the driveway and we layed there
staring up at the stars. We just had the neatest conversation.
I wouldn't change this night for the world, even if it was off part of time.
I am so sorry masu.. don't discount me
as a semi-neat little human. I really
do not do this often. It just happened.
Please accept my apology along with the
knowledge that I actually care enough
never to do that to you again.
I love you Kristen.. crazy amounts. Thank you.
You.. well, you, you know that I think the world of you and
I know how lucky I am.. oh I surely do. I am so.. well, I'm amazed that you could love me, so glad that you do.. I adore you beyond all else, I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but it's true. I just want to lay on the ground in the night with you like I did
this evening, and stare at the dreamy sky.. cuddle up with you, watch the world around us. Sometimes I wish I could just hide you, because I'm so sure someone else will notice how incredible you are and steal you away from me before we even get the chance to just be.. I love you, so much..
I am dehydrated to a point, I am tired, so
achingly tired.. I'll wander off to bed shortly, my mind filled with thoughts of you..