You know it's a bad sign when I'm too depressed for E2...

I had my house all clean and neat on Thursday, ready for Social Services to show up and inspect it. Of course, this meant not sleeping the previous two nights... anyway, they came, they saw, they were impressed, but they said they wanted my husband to have the kids till Tuesday anyway. I cried and cried... I want my babies.

I had my kids all day on Saturday, and we went running around, to the park, to the mall, getting eye exams... it was great. I had to take them back that night, so we picked Tony up on the way to come and visit with me. I've missed him so much, and I've been so lonely...

Sunday morning I woke up to the sound of the house door opening, and who should appear in the bedroom but my husband. He didn't physically assault anyone, and he said that he doesn't blame Tony because I'm just a whore anyway, and if it hadn't been Tony it would have just been someone else, and Tony's young and couldn't pass up an easy lay. We talked, eerily calm, for awhile like this, with Tony making comments that whizzed over my husband's head. Then he left, took my car keys, let the air out of three tires and applied a Club to my steering wheel.

Later that afternoon, he returned with a dude in a flatbed, loaded the car up and drove off. And there isn't a thing I can do about it, because the car is in his name.

When he was out there, I went over to his truck and motioned to my nine-year-old daughter to open the door or roll down the window. She just looked at me with a frightened expression, so I went to the driver's side and got in. She told me that Daddy had told her not to open the door or talk to me. She cried and cried, and I hugged and held her and promised to fix things.

Lord, I hope I can keep that promise.

In the meantime, here I am, carless, having to go 35 miles to school tomorrow, then 30 miles for my practicum the rest of the week. And I have to get in 10 hours on the ambulance before May 2nd, or my 'I' in EMT turns into an 'F'...

Wish me luck, because I sorely need it.

April 11, 2003 April 13, 2003 April 21, 2003