My husband showed up last night. I knew he was on the way, but with him you just never know when he'll actually be there. I've been sleeping horribly for the last two nights, imagining every sound was him coming into the house (he has a penchant for showing up in the middle of the night).

He is on his way from Washington State, where he has been stationed for three years now, to Korea, where he will be for the next year. In effect, he'll be here for maybe 9 days. These 9 days will probably be some of the hardest days of my life (see October 29, 2002 for a partial explanation). I'm glad he came, because he has only visited his kids for a total of 8 days since he's been gone, and has sent them a grand total of one, count 'em, one card each, and no presents, not for birthdays, not for Christmas, nothing. But I'm also frightened, because I don't know what will happen. I want to divorce him, but 1) I'll have to wait until my insurance from my future job will cover 'preexisting conditions', and 2) I don't think it's right to send him of on what is generally considered to be a depressing tour anyway, especially now, with the possibility of the cease-fire being broken, with something else weighing on his mind. My husband has a horrible temper, and he has been verbally and emotionally abusive in the past, and I'm always afraid that he'll take that next step and hit me.

In addition, there is the problem that since I decided that our marriage was unfixable, I've started dating a really, really wonderful guy whom I love with all my heart (see August 2, 2002), and I hope I can stay strong not just for my sake but also for his (see August 9, 2002 for how I screwed up the last time). I hate my life right now, I hate the fact that I was stupid enough to marry him, I hate the fact that I didn't end this a long time ago, and I especially hate the fact that my kids are going to wind up being hurt out of this.

Well, time to go take care of sick people and be thankful for what I do have - 2 healthy kids who love me, a wonderful boyfriend, a home, food, school, a computer I can use to talk to all of you with, and best of all, the knowledge that one way or another, this cannot last longer than 9 more days...

August 2, 2002 August 9, 2002 October 29, 2002