Return to Holding the sword tightly and warmly in my chest, pinning the memories down as long as I can. (event)

It's yours to gain
To play, to sunder, to lose
It's your eyes to choose
[Is it time?]  And for who?
[Part one], or [There is a road that leads to a road that leads to Michigan.|part two]?
Is it me?  Or you?

*(This is where it gets really really really really fucking dangerous. It's fine.)

Try to go back
And take 'em all down
You got a million and one
Places to call your hometown
Call 'em all down
You will rest here tonight
You got a lot on your mind
You got a lot in your sights
Tonight

Shit.

Can I afford to let [everything we found] that night bleed till it's dead? Oh yeah, that one night you took me home, can I sit quietly and watch it come to that? For all the lines that were crossed, all was [done and said], we're gonna let it bleed between the [chalk] lines in the place it was last seen??

It's not what she said. [It's not how] she said it. It's actually both.
"[I've never felt like this before]."
Such agony, [such pain in that] voice. Letting itself crack [between coughs] as it groaned its [way to sleep].
Shit...

We talked [about the night] you first told me about your scars. I saw those scars for the first time a couple hours later. That was you? You, of all people, the audacity to do this to yourself? Fucking angel, [Narcotic Prayer|nipple rung, tattooed], [blankth generation] [small town exile] broken [as shit] bottom of a bottle fucking [Aphrodite].

You were eighty percent angel
Ten percent demon
The rest was hard to explain

"I never ever ever want you to feel like that."

[Did it really have to be me, or could it have just been anyone who doesn't fit?] Why am I the one you choose to tolerate? Why am I [fed]? How do I deserve this? [You are nothing but a cursed cynical asshat] and yet you choose to ignore [how much] of your time I'm wasting. [Snow Day|Why are you so into me]?

Why [were we so much more] honest about the way we felt [when we were drinking]? Why did we let it fall back to mind games, [time-tables], [What makes me beautiful|fencing]? [I liked us when] we could openly admit to pushing buttons, making measurements, carefully dipping toes into the water, and [blow raspberries at each other about it|live to tell about it]. We were scared. Or at least nervous. It felt good to know that. It felt good to say that. I feel betrayed.

So don't hate me just because I want to see you. Tonight. [I will not lie, you are fucking delicious]. I've got two more weeks before I [well, anymore it's just as good as suicide|leave], and I swear they're yours if you want them. Don't tell me you're ashamed? Don't tell me you're embarrassed? Don't tell me you're afraid? Don't tell me you're putting [first things first]? Actually yeah, please, tell me one of those things. One of those things first. Before I start thinking about it. Because I know I've done my time. I've earned the right [to have you], [if I want you]. Maybe [they]'re right, maybe I only want you [Some people only love the things they can hold in their hands. Other people only love the things they can't.|cause I can't have you.] But that doesn't make a difference. I know I have a right to fall on my own sword tonight. Maybe I am going way too far, but hey, [we won't even pretend you scarred me more than I scarred you]. Not [in the long run] anyway. You're the one who's playing so close to your chest. You're the one who got pushed.

You got kicked
You know why too. I'LL kick you if I even feel like it.
I can kick you...
There's a [needlessly large] guardrail on some given floor of a parking garage. There's a sunset, there's discussion of things, of mind alteration, [Everything2, except not quite|writing], (hehe), [cigarettes and the working week].
"You know, I can't believe I'm guilty of this, but you know what about the cruelest thing you can do to just about anybody is? Especially girls? You know [that thing they do when they push you away]? When they expect you to chase them? Don't chase them."
Fuckin you don't even know what a kick is...

[What's the point in all this screaming]
[You're not listening anyway]

I will [never for the rest of my life] forget that [the sacredness and intimacies of an almost familiar and very untidy bedroom floor the morning after|carnage]. I almost bailed, jumped a train to nowhere that morning. Like I said, [Leaving. It's just as good.] I don't think it would've hurt you too bad. You'd have [lost a friend] more than a chance, I hate it, I hate it.

Breakfast was good. It was good that [I could still feel] you. It was good I could still feel you wriggle yourself [closer] long after water tasted like puke, the word alcohol called upon gales of fish guts and bathroom floors and where the fuck did I leave my purse. [You cared. Even when you were given the choice.] That's gotta be worth something.

Yeah, she said something you would expect. Something about putting up a bunch of fronts, I'd called her out again about keeping her guard up.
"It's okay, you know why? Cause I'm waking up next to you."
I kinda [wish I hadn't said that. I don't know why], not much consequence, I'm just not proud of it.
"Please don't cry."
If I do it's your fault, woman...
"You have to tell me you're a good person. You give a damn, I know that. Say okay."
"Okay."
Okay.

Speaking of ego. You took the moment where [my tongue and your tongue finally found a home together] to ask me, through the most [arrogant laughter] I've ever heard.

"What exactly [do you think] you're proving?"
I'm not trying to prove anything, I said dispel. And that's what I meant.
"I'm not trying to prove anything, I said dispel."

[That's okay]. The shoe dropped. Finally. [One down, one to go].

There is [still] a parking garage. There is an [The Summer Ends|embrace].
"Thank you. For letting me be myself."
"haha, no problem. [God knows] I've got no right to judge you."
"And God knows you have nothing to hide, either."
I left you at that same parking garage [after the war]. Many weeks later, weeks of twisting, yanking chains and playing games and measuring each other up.
Just an embrace. Nothing impersonal or misleading, no more complicated, [no more stupid, I am full]. [Have you ever told a dumb, white lie of little consequence to make a story better?|Haven't seen you since].

Just an embrace.

Of course I've known you [29 years|long before I met you]. [Yeah, you're special alright, but you're nothing] I haven't seen before. You know how people have [desert island album]s right? You're a desert island person. [I would choose you]. But I've seen you in other people, and I know I'll see you again. [Basically most of you all the same] handful of people recycled over and over again as [I float] downstream. But you. You're different now. You've been [chosen] now. This little piggie got branded. This little piggie knows it's mine. But for all the nipple rings and tattoos and hair and hands and fingers that might [get lost] [from point A to point B] I threw you something you can't get rid of. I got it on your soul, and everywhere else you could possibly be hiding. [It's like I threw herpes on your soul bitch, you got that shit fo' EVA]. Sorry. I didn't mean to call you that. You'll get me back some day.

You don't even rem[ember off the top of your head]? Those lines I was tracing on your back with my fingers? [Soft as melted butter], [soft as chalk]? Yeah, I know you were still [intoxicated|fucked up], you probably couldn't work out the letters in your mind or you didn't care to, but I know you were there. I know you could tell, not sure if you could [feel it, per se]. But [I gave you something I can always see no matter what you do], and [if my mind lets me forget then my fingers sure won't]. And if you wanna know you'll have to come here to find it. [Good luck.]

[No one]
[No way]
[Chris Whitley|- CW]

Yeah, I was a little surprised, I guess that's normal. Given the circumstances [you never know] quite what to expect from [the morning after], especially when [euphemism|liquid courage] is involved. Where are we? What shame have you? [What would we have done and said differently if we hadn't been so goddamn lonely?] I'm glad you could still [find me]. I'm glad you could still wriggle up next to me. [Touch me]. Through the carnage, rebirth, dizzyspells, cornbread, the whole 9 dude.

"Hey,"
"mm?"
"Thank you. For letting me be myself. Again.
I feel like, as I'm getting older, as I'm coming to terms with realities like yes, [I have a real problem] with depression and yes, alcoholism is just kind of [buying and borrowing time], as I'm realizing how hard this is going to be as a frustrated artist and what I have to give to the world and what I have to create, for all I was meant to disrupt and change, [you|so] [you|many] [you|people] [and you|out there] genuinely fucking HATE [Nah, these random encounters with beautiful strangers won't destroy me at all. But I guess I thought it'd be a good way to die at the time.|what] [go ahead I'll listen|I] [Chicago, Illinois|have] [Letting the Cables Sleep|to] [Good Intentions Paving Company|say]. And ten times that many [people just don't give] a damn. And it's gonna be really cold and really hard for me to get [from one island to another].
And [it's good to find people like you]."
You just squeezed. [That's all]. Pretty good call, actually.

That's gotta be worth something. [Pig|Is it not enough]? [How could I take more than I need?] Why do I need to kick you? Why do I need to [taste] your shoulder again so badly? Why can't I accept it as some beautiful night of soulful filling and--and just take it with me? [I found you, damn you]. I know how to find you again if I need to. I found [someone who cares, in spite] of. I found [someone who gives] me the breath to be the person I'm best at being. Why would I let that miracle of humanism turn to greed, unacknowledgement, and waste? Why would I be so desperate to fall on my own sword?

Tonight

[She looks up from her book, as infinity anticlimactically stops at a red light.|∞∞∞]|
[fin.|.]

([Setlist: My Own Sword|Set])

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