Not so good a day today.
I'm still missy cool at work. But the shine has fallen off it. Horribly sad this evening. Trying to work out why..
In some ways I hate being talented. There is a horrible responsibility which goes with it, for, by my own logic, if I am really that talented, I shouldn't be working for some corporate, but doing something worthwhile, something which matters.
But there are two problems with this:
1) I need money to live comfortably, and
2) I don't know what this 'something which matters' is.
Right now I am despariring of ever finding it, because the only way I ever get close to it is when I have time to do stuff. Unlimited, unbroken, uninterrupted time. When I get time now, I slack off, prevaricate, sit on the net for hours. And I feel so guilty..
I want - ahh sheesh, I dunno - I want to make one perfect thing
. One perfect thing, which I am utterly satisfied with, as an artist. And somehow this matters more than anything else, more than feeling better, or finding good people to have around me, because I know that if I manage it, all these other things will fall into place..
Sometimes I don't feel like it will ever happen.