Newspaper Salesperson: For some odd reason, I get calls from the newspapers every month.

"Hi! We've been leaving a paper on your doorstep every morning this week..."

Old response: (click)

New response: "That was you?? I'm blind! I've tripped over that paper four times and broken my leg once!" (Then threaten to sue.) (If they're still on the line ask them what they think a blind person would do with a newspaper. I've actually had one lady take a good 5 minutes before she realized that blind people cannot read print.)

Neilson Corp.: I'm not sure why I was called by these people, but I simply said that I did not own a TV. This caused a great deal of confusion as the woman did not believe that there was a household in the US that didn't have a TV.

Religious Recruiter: Something that someone was doing must have worked because I haven't seen any religious zealots going door-to-door in years. However, an old college buddy came up with the idea of answering the door (in the afternoon) in an open bathrobe (nothing on underneath), looking as if he'd just woken up, with black stuff smeared under his eyes. He'd say "Sorry it took me so long to answer the door but the devil's mass last night went on forever!"