I am coming to realize the sobering difference between the things you want, the things you need, and the pictures you see in your head. Life is always so different when your financial situation changes. I used to want things, I used to want to upgrade all of the material crap in my life, and now all I can think about is how I'm going to make a mortgage payment and what's going to happen if I can't make the bills on time. I used to daydream and see commercials for America in my head. Lush green lawns, spotless white t-shirts and never a thirst that couldn't be quenched by red Kool-Aid.

This is not all my responsibility, but I can't help feeling like I gave the green light and said I could do it all: I can't. I can't afford the sporty little Ford and the big 2 story house and all the new clothes I want. I can't afford the gas, the electric, the cat food, and the co-pays. I daydream now about having no credit. I wish I were waiting tables again and could only spend what I have in my hand. I wish I didn't have ivory colored carpet and faux wood blinds. I wish I didn't have this responsibility to things, to a location; but I do. The entire idea of the Fight Club truth - you are not your things has never been a reality. It just mocks you from the side.

Now the images depicted are all of something empty - a desperate yearning for simpler times, easier obstacles to overcome. It's wanting the sensation of a good hug without the gnawing feeling deep inside that there are THINGS TO DO. How can you feel good when you owe somebody somewhere in excess of $100,000? How can you possibly be allowed?

I feel like I am not allowed to be okay until I have settled these debts, financial turning into spiritual - eating away at my confidence in being able to do anything at all anymore.