I have
issues. I have conflicts. I have past drama. I have a
plethora of mannerisms that are direct results of how I learned to react to certain stimuli.
I am in the
process of examining my reactions to situations, and trying to decide if this reaction is how I want to present myself to the world. When I
freak out, I stop and I begin the
introspection process.
Rory laughed at me today and told me that I have a
big nose. I became very upset, and did not know
how to deal with it. If I don't confront him about
it, I am not standing up for myself. If I let him
know it bothers me, he will exploit my weakness.
I freaked out. It started off as a short laugh and
the assurance to him that I do not have a big nose.
He persisted in teasing me. My irritation went from
being a kettle whistle to a train whistle. I yelled
at him to shut up, and left the house shortly after.
begin introspection process
why does being told that I have a big nose upset me?
because I have a lump on my nose as a result of being hit in the face while wearing thick framed plastic glasses, which my father put there, and that others teased me about.
how am I currently reacting to this?
I become unreasonably upset, and threatened, as though I am being prodded and poked at to be pulled down to the level of teasing back.
what needs to change here in order for this problem to be resolved?
I need to actively recognize that my friends are not out to get me, and have not ever, nor do they have any plans to, physically hurt me. If teasing about certain subjects gets on my nerves this much, I need to make that clear to my friends. If my friends cannot understand that, then they don't need to be my friends.
end introspection process
This process works very well for the majority of
self-improvement projects that I have taken up for myself. There are, however, times when I draw a blank, and it troubles me greatly.
The problem is that I don't know what's wrong. There is nothing here to upset me. There is no external stimuli here that is causing my mood to dip. No temperature change, no
washing machine losing my socks, no nothing. Just...
blah.
Though I'm poking around inside, I'm not finding anything here. No data is being
returned. The folder's here, but the files are empty.