Dan Bern/Bernstein's second book and first foray into the realm of fiction (his first book, Dan Bern's BIG Book of Songs, Stories and Pictures is sort of a companion to his self-titled debut CD and six-song EP, dog boy van). Described by the official Bernstein/Dan Bern website as "59 chapters of fun, suited for adults and children." Features the adventures of its title character, a mild-mannered podiatrist well-aware of the fact that his thoughts are occasionally nothing but a mouthpiece for the author. Guest appearances by Maxie, Ruth the Dog, Bert the Rabbit, Dot the Moose, and many others.
The following chapter from Ted The Cow is freely available at the official Dan Bern/Bernstein website (www.dbhq.com), and is reproduced here by permission from Bern/stein's webmistress:
Chapter Two
Ted the Cow has been watching TV all afternoon.
A McDonald's ad comes on.
Ted realizes he is hungry.
He gets in his car and drives to McDonald's.
"Two Big Macs and some fries," he says to the drive-thru speaker.
At the pickup window the guy gives him his sack.
"Oh man." the guy says, "you're a cow. How can you be eating
burgers?"
"When in Rome, man" says Ted the Cow.
"That's disgusting," says the guy.
Ted drives off and eats his Big Macs.
"People have gotten all sensitive, " he says.
He drives to a T-shirt store and gets a shirt that says "They Eat Their Own."
Then Ted is thirsty, so he gets some pop.
---Dan Bern, a.k.a. Bernstein, Ted the Cow
My autographed copy of Ted the Cow is one of my most prized possessions. It's good for reading to people who need to laugh.