(futurebird age 14)

Today is the first day of a new month. It has also been a bad, messy day. Lynn, Lauren and I did some Xcountry running. It was about 4 or 5 miles, I think. For the first 2/3rds of the run I was fine, it felt good, I felt strong and, strangely, young. But soon my side cramped up and, like most things I do, it ended up only half done. (or to be more optimistic 2/3rd finished.)

My handwriting looks different today. It is too neat and joyous.

I am mad even though I have no right to be. I can't stand being beat at anything. I failed at the audition for the play also. These are the darkest days I have ever lived through! It is true what they say about the sun's absence in winter-- it causes depression. Just a few rays would make me feel better. Maybe that's all this is: sun hunger.

No, it's far more than that. When I feel sick because I can look, but not touch that is not only the fault of Apollo. That pain is a window in to the hell on earth that culture conceals from us.

How can I live?

(Apparently I did.)