Feeling in a funk today. I should be at least a little happy. After all today is my 5th anniversary of staying clean and sober
. Recovery anniversaries are usually rough for me. I've been in and out of 12-step programs
since 1989. During those years I've had two other periods of over 18 months of abstinence
. The first time going back into active addiction
was pretty scary, but the second time nearly killed me. So, why did I go back out into the war zone? Bottom line: I wanted to get wasted more than I wanted to fight for my life. No exaggeration here, friends.
Mine has been a life and death struggle at times. Am I trying to be a martyr
? Fuck no! I'm just compelled to tell the truth about my experiences because I'm tired of watching people die due to drugs, alcohol and other related side-effects.
On the flip-side, sometimes the ones that die are actually luckier than the rest of us, recovering or not. I mean... what worries does a corpse
have? Game over
, period. but still, look at all the sorrow
they leave behind... grieving
family and friends... It just doesn't make sense!
My disease has been working overtime. I posted my last day log
shortly before letting my neighbors know that my family and I had returned from our trip. I found out that only a few days before our neighbor who lived across the street had blown out his heart smoking crack
. Five years ago today I wished that it would happen to me.
I'm getting all jammed up over this. And please forgive me if any of it sounded remotely preachy
. It was not intended as such. Hey, dat ain't my yob, meester. But as to why people like me keep on hanging in there... this may help explain.