user since
Sat Oct 7 2000 at 02:52:17 (16.9 years ago )
last seen
Mon Oct 23 2000 at 13:49:25 (16.8 years ago )
level / experience
0 (Initiate) / 3
mission drive within everything
complete knowledge
annoying people
i am not my own person
most recent writeup
indie (person)
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In primary school, I was considered a try-hard, I understand why completely. I was an idiot, wanting so much to be like everyone else. In high-school I realised that I should become my own person entirely, nothing at all like anyone else. In such a sense I have become a try-hard indie.

Being completely different is in fact a very impossible task. If you think about it, which I have, you will learn that nothing you do is not similar to something that someone else has already done.

Even art, it is impossible to create art which is completely individual, at one point I thought to create art in the realms of mixed media including smell. There is an Israeli company which is producing a peripheral hardware device, which would produce smells according to directions from a web page. It would be used as a marketing device for perfume companies and such.

I realised that to make art in the form of a smell is not only a take-off of the commercial (perfume), but is also way too try-hardish.

You see I have a bit of a complex about being a try-hard. Ever since primary school that is. I am scared that i will be considered try-hard weird. That in itself is such a contradiction, but its logic makes sense to me.

Eventually I am sure that I will settle down and become "normal". That is the only logical point of direction for my life, as far as I can see. Continuing in such a direction as that which I have now can only lead to a nervous breakdown.

I hate this contradiction, that in the future, I will be "normal". It is totally against everything I believe in. It is much the same as the fact that I am not interested in ever having children. Kids annoy me greatly. Whilst I know that in the future at some point, likely around abouts my thirtieth birthday, I will decide that I want to have children. This disturbs me greatly.

Future contradictions I will make in my life are so totally and utterly pointless, however almost totally impossible to avoid. I hate that. It is as if I have no control over my own life. Not that I'm a control freak. I'm not a control freak. denial