I went and did my child dev
visit today. The twins are so adorable and they gave me loads of hugs too. I could understand at that point why teenagers
want children when they are young, it would make you feel loved and it gives you someone to love. I suppose if you’ve never had that having a child seems like the best thing to do.
Sometimes I try and imagine what it would be like to have a baby now and quite frankly it scares the hell out of me! I’m not responsible enough; I’m way too childish… sometimes I can barely look after myself let alone a baby. How do young mothers cope? I think that maybe I admire them and I know that I think they are stupid for getting themselves in that situation but at least they have the guts to follow it through. Abortion is something that I could never, ever do. To me it is murder and that isn’t right, is it?
I’m in one of those thoughtful moods again, I seem to have so much on my mind right now and every time I sit here and write this I try and explain what I am thinking and what I am feeling. I feel as though the rest of my life is so very far away right now. Everyone around me has so many expectations of me, which is putting me under a lot of pressure. I always get the impression that they feel I have to beat Phil, that I have to better than him. Since when has life been a competition? Sometimes I just want to shout and scream, I’m nothing like him… Right now I am concentrating on just passing them, I don’t have anything to prove and I don’t want to beat Phil.
Have you ever noticed that there is a lot of sibling rivalry? People always say that you have to try and be better than your sibling but I don’t see it. My brother and I have always been very different, linked by our passion of writing, music and wicked sense of humour. Our intelligence is very different, he likes to work at things but if I can’t do something I move on… people say I have such more potential then Phil ever did, what does that matter? How am I supposed to get along with my life and passing these exams if I have to make sure I am better than him?
I try and tell these people that being better is not my main aim. Sometimes I feel like a failure if I do not do as well as Phil did when he was my age, things could be worse, I could completely flunk everything. What would my peers say to that? You what? I couldn’t care less; I’ll try my best, no more or less.