shouldn't the sky look more important?
and shouldn't i be able to reach the stars?
i remember, when i was younger, thinking how high the light switch was and how i could never hope to rule something as penetrating as darkness. but i grew up and learned such ignorance was just foolishness.. attribute it all to lack of years and experience.
i held out hope beyond all reason that life would not have the strength to take me this far. that, perhaps, if i wallowed in immaturity and fought against the better voice inside of me, i might be able to stunt my growth. i need intellectual cigarettes and a cup of coffee. black. sugar only makes me feel more alive.
so this resistance screams inside, telling myself in something harder than words that we can stop this, the night doesn't have to give way to dawn, the sun can collapse before i wake.
but no, it seems the conductor never got the message and the train is still gliding by somewhere downtown, right on time as always, except on the nights when some suicidal cow jumps the tracks.
would the consquences be so great if i froze the world in place tonight? no one will come singing tomorrow, or if they do, their cheery voices will hold only the hollowed and vacant thoughts of the past, creeping up in all ways to ambush me, to incarcerate me forever within the future's beginnings.
i have no choice. i grow, only now more people seem to notice. just like people to acknowledge only the brighter moments.
remember that i was never complete, never will be; that the endless repitition of years will never compensate for the air i pleasure to breathe at the moment.
and if all these courageous thoughts tinged with apathy are more to myself than to any one else, then so is this--
happy birthday, dear.*
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*so, could the violent downvoting stop for one day? just one. then you can hate me all you want for the rest of your online existence.