I suppose I'll just have to be the best damn life-support system for a penis that I can be. I come loaded with all sorts of nifty non penis related features. I make vegetarian sushi. I node Unfinished Stories. Yes, there are billions of penis life support systems on the market... but the discriminating consumer will settle for nothing but the best.

This just in! For a limited time only you can get your f1r3br4nd PLSS at a BIG, big discount. Don't wait till he completes his college education and gets all expensive and picky; get him now while he's desperate! Call now, operators are standing by.

Order now and, just like it says, you get a Daz Eddy. Plus, if you call within five minutes, you get this set of Ginsu Knives at no extra cost... oh, waitaminute. Maybe we don't want them thinking about Ginsu Knives.