god, i fucking hate nights like this. try to go to sleep and all i can think about is my ex girlfriend fiancee girlfriend? we were never clear on that. we had the rings, but we planned to be married straight away out of high school. we weren't, and at the rate we were going, it seems like we never would. maybe if we had, we might have stayed together. maybe not.

so many maybes. so many wishs. if wishs were fishes.... so many questions. it occurs to me now that i was starting to turn into my dad - not abusive or anything, just... not there. all either of us ever did was work, trying to save up the money to move out on our own. maybe if we had things would've been better. maybe they'd've been worse, maybe we would've gotten a one year lease and she still would've dumped me, and then we'd be stuck together. or maybe she'd have finally been able to tell me what was wrong, instead of just giving off vibes of 'something is fucked up'. maybe if i hadn't insisted on polyamory she wouldn't have slept with that fucker graeme. maybe not. maybe if i had decided to put up with my allergies that night and go hang out with them it might not have happened. maybe not, knowing me i would've told them to have fun, especially if i was drunk (like them). maybe if i wasn't so blind to other people (i've been wondering if i have asperger's syndrome, lately) i would've been able to tell how much she liked him, given that he's all she ever talked about. hindsight is 20/20. maybe maybe maybe... i don't even remember all the maybes.

maybe this should've gone to my livejournal, but then mindy would see that, and get pissed off at me again. just what i need, the one person who still cares about me getting more mad at me.

maybe i'll die in my sleep. if i ever get to sleep.