Random Childhood Memories

Ross was my best friend because he never wanted to play house. Ross was my worst enemy because he could pee standing up. At three years old, I knew that there were great injustices at work here. I remember playing with Legos and Mmatchbox cars with him. And I remember crying my eyes out when one of his friends colored a moustache on the face of “Big Barbie”, my favorite doll. “Big Barbie” wasn’t a Barbie doll at all. She was somewhere between a Cabbage Patch Kid and a Kid Sister, both quite the rage at the time. But, though I thought Barbie dolls were stupid, but I was tired of being laughed at by my girl friends, whose favorite thing to do was to see if Barbie looked better in pink or in shimmery purple. So I named my doll “Big Barbie”. I rarely played with her, I mostly left her around for decoration. And aesthetically, she was ruined.

A year later I punched the same kid in the stomach when he said me and Ross were in love. The dirtiest four letter world known to a four year old. Thankfully, because Ross made fun of him for getting hurt by a girl, word never got out that I hit him, and I didn’t get in trouble.

My mom was pregnant with my brother to be, and it was decided that we would leave the city, and move to the suburbs. So Mom and Dad and Katie and I left our Wrigleyville apartment and settled down next to a giant field in Wilmette. I would miss Ross terribly.

My street didn’t have nearly as many kids. The only girl my age was Evelyn, whose name, because of her mother’s Chinese accent, I thought was “Avalee”.

I went over to Avalee’s house, and we played grocery. She had the coolest grocery set. She thought I was weird because I bought cauliflower and chocolate at the same time. She told me this. “You’re weird” she said. Yeah, but at least my name isn’t Avalee, I thought.

The fact that Avalee thought I was weird really hurt my feelings. She was really my only friend around here, so her opinion mattered. I set out to make her think that I was normal.

When I told my mom I was going to Avalee’s house, my mother told me to stop making fun of her mother’s accent. I didn’t think I was, but nonetheless, I found out Avalee’s real name. To this day I do not know if she thought me weird because of my strange purchases or the fact that I severely butchered her name. Nonetheless, we did not have a real friendship until high school.

To defeat my loneliness, Mom had Ross and his little brother, Todd, come up to our house to visit. It was good to see Ross, and we had our minds set on tormenting our younger siblings. But Katie and Todd soon went to sleep, and Ross and I were stuck playing Ghostbusters and Doctor.

Ross insisted that he was the doctor. I was very very sick, and I needed medicine. I told him I knew where the medicine was and proceeded to down about 25 Tylenols. We were very excited that I was cured, that we had to tell our Moms. The next thing I remember was vomiting into a bowl at the hospital.

The next time I saw Ross I gave him the atomic wedgie from hell. Revenge is sweet.