"Sometimes it's 4 a.m. when I go fumbling in the dark for my keys, my hoodie, my smokes.
I'm not awake, or I've been awake for only a matter of moments. A few,
but enough."
Normal people plan. Regular plan let those around them know when they are coming to visit- when they are leaving. When they might come back.
I'm not one of those people. Sometimes I just wake up and know I need to be somewhere else and that is what I do. The need to go overwhelms the need to stay. Not all the time, but most of the time. It rises inside us the way waves do and there is no way to ignore it.
"I've got to go" - sometimes said outloud, but always more of a description of what you are doing, as opposed to why you are leaving. Out of the blue.
Unannounced and without any prior discussion. The going- the need to go, is impossible to explain to anyone who has not experienced that Need (almost but not quite panic).
A week, a month, a year. You might think time would grant you perspective and you would have a good explanation to offer for this behavior. You might think that eventually you would be able to explain it to your friends, your family your lover. Yourself.
You might think that, but you will be wrong.
Leaving suddenly is an impulse, not a plan. It is not attached to motivations or desires. It is as involuntary as a cough. It just happens.
Someday there will be a time I no longer feel it. No longer wake up and know that feeling- that push- that call. I am probably going to live a much more normal life because of that.
If I never feel it again I will probably miss it.
.