Played soccer today for the first time in about eight months. Boy, am I ever out of shape. It was exhilerating, though, to by up on my feet, running around for an hour or so. My mom tells me that, when I was a little child, I learned to run before I learned to walk, no matter what any stupid cliché says. In a very real sense, running around is a good metaphor for my life. I'll find something new and interesting and do whatever it is wholeheartedly for a little while until my interest wanes. Sally-Ann-from-the-bookstore says that I'm just looking for my Passion. Perhaps. My biggest fear, though, is that I'll get tired of looking and settle down and do whatever I'll be doing not because I love it, but because I'll become too lazy or too scared to change. I sure as fuck don't want to be like George Mallory and waste my time and my life doing something just "because it's there." It want to waste my time doing something because I honest to god want to do it.
Okay, enough rambling. TIme to get back to work.
Work's okay for me. The bridge loan didn't come through, so more than ever it looks like the company is going to go bankrupt. Boy, am I glad I stuck with contracting. There's an incredible sense of pessimism around the office (which I'm sure will go away once people leave and find new work the next week -- the job market is still very hot I'm told). Almost everyone here thought they'd be rich six months ago, but now their options are as worthless as tissue paper (perhaps worth even less than that.) I still feel like the business model is good. We were not just a mere e-tailer, but also a manufacturer of our one line of products. But one bad decision and a lack of management oversight killed the company. I wonder what's going to happen to all of the capital equipment. I wouldn't mind upgrading from my Pentium/166 to an Enterprise 450 or Ultra 10 or whatever :)
To me, it feels like my life is approaching a nexus point. It's both frightening and exciting. I think maybe it's time to try something new. I sort of want to move out of the Bay Area, but I love it here and I'm afraid that if I move away, I'll never be able to afford moving back.
Back to work now. This time I mean it.