This is how I feel,.

I wish I could say this to you, but I can not speak out loud, not the way you can, I get confused with words, in my mind, saying one thing before another, while thinking of the third, I don't know how to express myself fluidly, and what I say comes out as gibberish or as stupid at best.

This is how I feel,.

But I can't even write it down in a language that you would understand, since I can not project myself properly in your letters and thoughts, it is hard enough for me to project my thoughts at all, let alone in written form.. by hands, my muscles, too blunt and awkward to write this by hand... too slow.. much too slow... thoughts run quickly through my mind, and if they are not recorded instantly they are confused with others, other concepts, other threads.

This is how I feel,.

With you I am who you think, who you expect, not who I want to be, I've known you forever, well all the ever that counts, its not a mater of length but of position, the time within the time, the time that has shaped and formed us to this day. After the time that has built who we are.

I know you don't understand,.

What this means, what I am saying, or what I am not. People who know me now, the finished product, or at least the current version, or latest.. or the one I was a while ago, they respect me, they look at me in a way that you do not, In a way that your eyes reflect only when I am stating cold facts I happen to know or skills I am known to be adept in... never in opinions.. never in thought.

This is how *I* feel,.

Others look up to Me.. well... as equals, not from below, not from above,. the way you do. the way you all do. I see admiration in them when I express my feelings and concepts my life and my soul. I feel you would laugh when I do the same with you... you keep me around, I do not know why.. like some tool or pet... to be used or enjoyed.. not to be understood,.. for there is nothing to understand, or you think you already do.

This is how I feel...

I wish you would read this, but that would not help.. it would never be natural, and even if it was it would accomplish nothing, you are the same, the same as you think I am... I am wrong for thinking I am right,., but you will read this and only see what you have always saw. A child, a misfit, a trouble maker.

I wish things were different, I wish they were the same now.. but the background should be based where it is with me for others... I like myself more when with them, I almost hate myself with you.

Is this all in my head?

Am I seeing you in a different light than I see others, than myself... how will I know? I will never know... you will always read me in a certain way, and nothing I say will ever change you.

"We are not ourselves, but who others perceive us to be"

This is how I feel.....

I am alone