When I look back on my relationship with Katie, it is with a smile. I know that she broke up with me and it has taken me three months to get over her. But I still feel very deeply for her. It helps of course that I'm still very much friends with her though not as close.

It has got to the stage however where I realise that I don't want to get back together with her. If you'd asked me that question two months ago I would have said yes without batting an eyelid. But now I have come to understand that it just wouldn't be healthy. There is part of me that just wants to go out with her for a week again and then dumping her to show her how much she hurt me. Fucking bitch.

I've also come to the realisation that our relationship was not really about affection. That is to not say we didn't like each other. I cared for her alot and still do, and I think (and hope) that Katie did/does as well. But in reality I now see that it was more about convenience.

Katie lives on the same floor as me in the Halls of Residence. We first kissed during the second week of the first term. I think what happened was that we were both lonely. We didn't really know anyone in the hall and it was nice to make some friends who didn't know me as the little nerdy kid like it was at high school.

Convenience. It is a horrible way to describe a relationship.

I've also realised that I need a girlfriend. Not because I'm desperate - just lonely. I miss having someone to confide in. Tell someone exactly what I think and not have them go and tell everyone about it.

Maybe I should just suck it up and ask out that cute girl with the red hair in astronomy class...

Update (29/7/04): Well it turn out my cute girl with the red hair (her name is Sofie if you must know) already has a boyfriend. Fortunately I didn't come upon this information after asking her out or anything awkward like that - just saw her kissing him. Probably end up like I don't like her because she won't like me knowing the way that my mind works. Just means I'll have to drink myself to a stupor at the party on the weekend.