For some, Sedona in the summertime is a wonderous time and place to be alive. For me, I just settle to pretend that I am alive at all. Laying in the dirt, I stare at the sky. Stacy lies next to me. This was her idea, so I follow. I don't really notice the outside world much, but I suppose this is peaceful. Apathy prevents me from truly enjoying the moment, but I try none the less. She stares at stars looking for an escape. I steal glances at her. Right now, I'd settle for an escape too. Before long my apathy runs out of steam, melting into indifference. At 4am, vulnerablilty is a given, even if it weren't for the fact that when a woman is twenty and drunk anything can happen. Hope is four letter word, Stacy has five letters. More complicated than hope is ehhh.... The gin in my glass satisfies one of my thirsts, and you Stacy? Would you care for another drink? Are you sure? Well, it is your loss. Desparation is a gift, when necessity turns complacent. She rolls over, as if to tell me a secret, and then it happens.
From somewhere in the ceaseless summer sky a star falls to its death, illuminating the empty heavens above. Make a wish. Watch it fall. Wish for a burden sweet and small. Wish for a love thats easy to understand. Wish for a certainty that only finds a dying man. I wished for you. My love, my light, my whatever. Stacy, you are the star within my circle of indifference. Do not shine for me any less bright, just because you have shone for others before. Your pale blue eyes, your milky white skin are of a beauty without equal. Don't take my word for this, we both know its meaningless. Each night a different guy would agree. Until Tomorrow.
Stacy starts to cry again. I can only assume that it is for no reason. I do not say this, because I don't need to. I save my breath because it could be my last. If I were to look deep into her eyes and kiss her gently, would I then give her something to cry about? Butterflies flutter, but with broken wings. When your burden grows to large to carry, just hold her hand and pretend you care. So....we talk about Some Guy. A Boyfriend, maybe. I don't know. I lost track of what she was saying, so I kissed her. I could have kissed her softly. I could have kissed her hard. I kissed her akwardly. If first kisses are magical, then I know why David Copperfield is gay.
On good days the light that radiates upon me seems pure. One little star out of a million shines just for me, despite the darkness that surrounds us both. It is not just pin-pricks piercing the fabric of darkness that I mistake for the opulence of a shining star. Somedays, sure, but not today. Sometimes a star falls. Illuminata vulgaris. Our moment was minutes before the light of dawn, but I needed no light to see the mustache etched onto her sullen face. I saw it only after our lips parted. Ohhh! Too late. I really could love her, but not unconditionally. Lines must be drawn. Lips must be waxed. My boss would send me home if I showed up to work like that. Where is the equality when it comes to mustaches. There is no level playing field, only a slippery slope.
Stacy, you were the star in my circle of indifference. A star circumscribed is demonic. Metaphorically, symbollically, unapologetically. Illuminata non-grata. She who shines, shines not for me. I think this to myself, but aparently, I am alone. Alone, but not like usual. I look into her eyes---ehhh---we are one. My hand is on her thigh.I feel her leg go faint. If only her facial hair would grow faint as well. Trapped. Where is my apathy when I need it most? Sweet indifference, NOW I CARE where you've gone. Well, at least history never repeats itself. Just for tonight, its ok. Its just the drunk in me that sees the beauty in you. In the morning it is over. Hung over. Oh! The sun is late.
Daybreak creeps into the barren Sedona landscape. A new day for New-Agers , and for me a new relationship. Let us rejoice for my drunken choice! A trust. A thirst. A curse. "Stacy", I whisper. "Honey, its morning. Its time to go to bed. Stacy, the neighbors are looking at us." No response. "Seriously, the joggers keep staring at us." The light of dawn upon her 5 O'clock shadow is more poetic than I can bear, so I carry her back inside. Where its dark. Thats nice.
History does not have to repeat itself today. Things change. Somewhere between "be careful what you wish for" and "true love" lies reality. Loneliness is road you've traveled from end to end. This road goes nowhere pleasant. Just settle. Its ok. When you accept your burden for what it is, just hold her hand. Be thankful for a love you already understand. Behind that mustache there is beauty and there is light. I look into those pale blue eyes and I know I could do worse. Next time, maybe I'll kiss you like I mean it. If only I close my eyes first.