Why I should quit Everything
(but I know I won't)
Half an hour ago, I stood up from my computer to take a shower before going to sleep. And I thought-- hey, what did I do today? Although this morning I had great plans for the day (do laundry, get my car washed, get a haircut, go to the gym, get some work done), I have only accomplished a bit of the last one. And that was only because I do software development and I can work from home, meaning I didn't have to get up...
Other than that, I read nodes on Everything, I noded a bit, I chatted in #everything for a while, and... hmm... nothing much. Realizing this, one of the voices in my head said, "you know, you really should quit Everything". The other one (supposedly, the real me) replied, "You know that's out of the question"
The interesting part is, I didn't know the reason why I should quit. I just knew it would be much better for me if I did. So I sat down and tried to analyze myself; why?
It's not about noding. I'm pretty happy with my nodes; and although I'm not a high-volume or high-XP noder, I'm feeling okay with it. Besides, I don't node for levels and/or XP, but for the fun of noding per se. So that wasn't it. I knew it had to be something I did today... what else? Work? No, I love my job, I am well paid and not too overworked. I also chatted in #everything... hey! that's it.
I had the sudden revelation that no one to whom I talked online knows me. Sure, they know my nickname, some of them know my real name, some know that I live in the "yuppie-infested Silicon Valley" (because I bitch about its yuppiness too often), some know my age (23), and some might even have read the geek code in my home node. But they don't know me! Most of the time I'm perfectly happy with this, but sometimes, when I feel overly lonely, it feels weird to open up to complete strangers...
And I took the above thought one level further; and realized that my real life friends don't know me, either. We get to hang out and drink together, but there's a certain distance between us that seems natural to them (but not to me, at least not always).
And (do you see where this is going?) I went even further. I had made it to the bathroom, and I was looking at my face in the mirror. The voices in my head started debating again; the first one asked, "You know what, Tudor, who are you, anyway? What's your purpose, your direction, your goal in life?"
The truth is, I have no idea. I don't know myself, either. I thought I had found a bunch of clues, some time ago, but I lost them somewhere between learning that an ex-girlfriend is HIV positive (which she became long after we broke up, but it still is extremely disturbing), my parents' visit (which made me long for the good old days of home (in Romania)), breaking up with my girlfriend (see my more detailed writeups on June 1, 2000 and June 11, 2000), having both my best female friend and my best male friend go through emotional crises at the same time (and at the same time as me; and yes, independently of each other). I lost all these clues, I lost my motivation, I lost a part of my personality. And what did I get in return?
Everything. I found you, anonymous figures at random points in the cluespace, sharing feelings, beliefs and personalities with each other. I took refuge in this virtual world, and started taking higher and higher doses of Everything, until the addiction became utterly and completely incurable.
My secret, anonymous friends, this is my story. This is why I am here, why I should not be, and why I can't leave.
And maybe my purpose in life is never to answer the question "what is your purpose in life?"...