Sometimes a bad mood just gets too bad and instead of attacking the things that contribute to the bad mood, I start blaming things that are more accessible, that bother me sometimes but aren't bad enough to justify the effort it would take to eliminate them. I suppose that happens to everyone. And then I think the effort is worth it and start working on it. So then one of two things can come out of it.
  • The goal is achieved, the annoyance is gone, but the mood remains because of its root cause.
  • The effort required is too great, I falter and give up, making my mood even worse.
So I'm trapped by these two unfavorable outcomes. All I can do is think about what might be the problem, and all the theories involving things that usually don't bother me have to go away. Usually my conclusion is that I'm getting sick, or I'm losing sleep, or my employer is asking me for more than I can comfortably give. I've learned to find these sources of a bad mood, so I don't get myself into this bind too often any more.

But sometimes someone I love gets in a bad mood this way and then it's me she blames. I haven't dealt with that enough to be very smart about it. If I could just recognize that bad mood building up in her... She hides it well, usually, I suppose, because she understands on some level that the easily accessible things (like me) aren't really to blame. Eventually, her mood surfaces and everything gets crappy. Arguing and yelling ensues and I start get frustrated and tell her she's stupid. When you yell a sentence (or sentence fragment) with "stupid!" and a pronoun in it, you usually use the wrong pronoun. I did.

This all happened last night and I thought I slept pretty well despite it, but I almost fell asleep in a meeting at work, so I guess I thought wrong. Anyway, the two of us are in the habit of communicating through Trillian so it was natural for me to write her an email. That's our usual mode of reconciliation. We didn't want to talk to each other, but writing is always safe. Ahh the benefits of literacy. And the Internet. And computers.

So we talked on the phone after that. Well, she called me to ask me to buy some tin foil and sliced olives on the way home. She's making enchiladas. She's on a liquid diet. She's making them for me. Forgiveness, understanding, and growth will wash over us for a few days. It almost makes fighting worth it.